hack it

I have been kind of obsessed with this recipe for Trader Joe’s Butternut Squash Soup with Ginger, Soba, and Fried Pork Crumbles from the Apartment Therapy Kitchn. They call it a “hack” because it’s not really a home-cooked recipe but I didn’t really care. (I made some squash soup a few months ago and while it was very tasty, there was SO MUCH OF IT! Cooking for one is hard!) The first time I saw it, I had to have it. Of course, I had no idea what miso was and whether or not I needed to buy some ginger or any of that. I just knew I wanted it!

After some poking around at TJs and WFs (and a little miso assistance from my friend Jenns: “Is it in the spice aisle, Jenns?” “Noooo. Try next to the tofu, crazy!”) (I paraphrase), I finally gathered enough ingredients to give it a go this evening for dinner.

All I have to say is YUM! Seriously. YUM! Now, I must admit I skipped the ginger and the garlic and I used dried cilantro because I live alone and I am not going to buy a big thing of ginger and cilantro. I am not really fans of either in large quantities and the idea of putting pork in a pan with oil in it was kind of boggling my mind (and the sausage was already Thai spiced) but it still turned out fantastic.

I halved the recipe, naturally, and used one of these tasty sausages. It’s not something I ever thought I would want to eat but I am really glad I put half of it away for lunch tomorrow before I ate my dinner because I would have scarfed down every last bite otherwise.  Next time, I will try to up the spice quotient a little bit but I was certainly very satisfied with how it turned out this time. I ran it through SparkRecipies and got pretty decent numbers for one filling (thanks, soba noodles!) serving:

• Calories: 396.5
• Total Fat: 12.4 g
• Total Carbs: 64.0 g
• Dietary Fiber: 3.0 g
• Protein: 16.7 g

In the future, I might try to have some sort of salad on the side (perhaps this, another recipe that has been on my mind since I first saw it) (I wish I understood how flavors go together better!) or at least an extra veggie of some sort.

That makes two nights in a row of cooking triumph, as last night, I took a soup from Sunday night that was “meh” and turned it into a dinner I really liked. More gold stars for me! And yummy soup to look forward to for lunch, too!

3/4 is better than 0/10000000

I made it to about 4pm yesterday on my quest to not eat out during the week. I brought food with me for breakfast (almond butter and a banana), a healthy snack (carrots and fat free yogurt ranch dip), and an easy and tasty lunch (Kashi’s Mayan Harvest Bake). I also had a bag of Glenny’s soy crisps at my desk for any emergency munching. Gold stars for planning!

Of course, I spent the entire day obsessing about the food. Once breakfast was consumed, I started looking at the clock hoping that it would give me a clue when it was okay to eat the carrots. As I was eating the carrots, I was thinking about how much I fucking hated eating fucking carrots and how a fucking bag of potato chips would be a lot fucking tastier. Then I stared at the clock some more, waiting for it to be time to eat the frozen dinner.  Then about 3pm, I decided I need some chocolate RIGHT NOW so I went to the vending machine, which didn’t have exactly what I was looking for so I just got a Diet Coke. And then ate the bag of soy crisps.

Around 4pm, it started to feel like someone had scraped out my insides with a rusty melon baller. All good intentions flew out the window and I began to plan my pizza binge. I even called on my walk home so it would get there faster. I also ordered two cans of Coke. YES, COKE! THAT THING I GAVE UP SEVEN YEARS AGO!

I ate and ate and ate (potato chips, too) and ate and ate. Then I had an ice cream sandwich. Then I went to bed at 9:30.  So much for just letting myself feel the misery.

But I started over today, so we’ll see. My only obsessing so far has been the time I spent at Trader Joe’s trying not to buy every starchy product in the place and this here journal entry.  More gold (a bit tarnished but still!) stars for me.

I did the dishes this weekend, so gold stars for me. Considering I probably hadn’t done them since the last time I posted about it, you can just imagine the mess I had to deal with. It took me about, oh, three hours to get through it all. I also did all of my laundry, too. Of course, by the time Sunday evening rolled around, I was too exhausted to do some of the other stuff I needed to get done.

In between the dishes and the laundry, I went to Whole Foods to stock up on good foods. I have challenged myself to not go out to eat this whole work week. Which means I needed breakfast and lunch foods. I bought my first jar of almond butter (had some with a banana this morning for bfast) and tried to avoid carby things and stick to veggies.

I’ve sort of resigned myself to be miserable when it comes to food for awhile. Yeah, I know, I should eat things I like but…I like potato chips and take out and large pizzas and crap like that. So it really doesn’t matter what I cook for myself, I am still not going to be happy about not eating exactly what I want to be eating. If I am not using food to stuff down my emotions, I am going to have to actually, you know, feel them. So, I feel like I need to just own that and suffer through it and try to find other ways to deal with it, like writing in this thing or reading a book or having a temper tantrum on the floor. It will get better eventually, right? And I figure I am really sort of miserable even when I am eating all the crap I want to eat, so at least this way, I’ll be eating better.

back to the future

I just emailed the therapist I had when I lived in Houston to see if she’d consider counseling me over email or something. She was really really awesome and I swear I considered not moving because I didn’t want to stop seeing her.  I found her using the Eating Disorder Referral and Information Center which I highly recommend. It’s comforting to know going in that the person you are seeing at least recognizes that being overweight is an eating disorder. I tried to use it to find someone here but none of the therapists listed are covered by my insurance. SHOCKING!

There is part of me that doesn’t really see any value in continuing to go therapy. I mean, I know, I know what my issues are and where they come from and what my danger zones are and how I feel about my mother/father/4th grade teacher and what to eat and what not to eat and what my trigger foods are and how my body is addicted to carbs and sugars and how if I don’t exercise I am going to die young and have full-blown diabetes and so so so many other things that you learn in therapy. I’ve been doing it since I was ten. I have so much knowledge, I feel like my brain will burst with it. It’s the doing that I have a hard time with. I can (and do) talk about my problems for HOURS and type about them for YEARS and it doesn’t do any damn good if I don’t DO DO DO something.

Of course, now I am going to go stare at my email and hope that she emails me back soon.

my darling clementine

I’ve been craving fresh fruit lately (probably because of the recipe surfing and saving I’ve been doing) but my kitchen is such a mess, I haven’t been up for buying them. But it got to be such an obsession, I picked up a bag of these

to keep at my (much neater) desk at work. Yeah, it would make more sense to clean my kitchen but baby steps! I am trying my darndest to go with any healthy impulse I have, no matter how wacky/expensive/complicated/whatever. And not to let any sort of “well, first I need to x/y/z before I can [insert healthy thing here].”

For instance, two weeks ago, I accidentally bought approximately a billion bottles of  instead of       .

It was pretty traumatic at first. But then I started to notice I was sleeping better. Who knew not having one two bottles of regular Diet Coke after 6pm would be bad for sleep! Okay, I totally knew that. I just didn’t know it, you know? Now I am contemplating using this mistake as a way too ween myself from Diet Coke (at least at home) all together. There are many reasons to do so, really. It’s expensive, heavy to carry,  and full of chemicals. Plus, I think that I eat more when I drink soda with my meals.  I haven’t committed to giving caffeine up completely (omgcoffeeilu) but I think this is a baby step I can handle.

You see, summer is coming and I have nothing to wear. I mean, things fit okay but I have clothes from a few years ago that don’t and my favorite pants are starting to wear out. And since we all can’t be Lady Gaga, I’m eventually going to have to buy new ones, which can be rather complicated for someone as short and round in the middle as I am. If I could just get some of my spare tire to migrate down to a badonkadonk, my shopping would be a lot easier. Unfortunately, fat doesn’t work that way so I’ve got to toss out the spare tire so I can fit into actual petite pants.

I’ve been reading this from the Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl for inspriation. I can still remember finding her early on in my diet blogging days and following her progress. Along with Lose the Buddha, her site is one I would recommend to anyone curious about how it really gets done. Of course, both of them have busted a lot of lard in the last eight years and I’m pretty much right where I was (size wise) when I started this thing. I try not to let that get to me while I am reading the book and just focus on the fact that it can be done and that there is a pot of gold lurking out there somewhere at the end of the rainbow. I get afraid sometimes that I’ll have to be obsessed with this stuff for the rest of my life and I get tired even thinking about it. But both Shauna and Erin show that you can get a point where maintenence is just part of a regular day and that getting healthy doesn’t have to consume your every thought forever.

accidentally in love

I just had this little guy

for breakfast with a little granola sprinkled in and YUM! Actually, I barely even put any granola in because the yogurt was SO GOOD! And I am not usually a big fan of yogurt without a lot of stuff in it but…seriously, YUM!

And! In my search for more info about them, I came across Yummy Diet Food. No, it’s not as offensive as it sounds. *g* It’s sort of like Hungry Girl for people (like me!) who are sometimes horrified by the crazy chemically substitutes she likes to put in her recipes.

Speaking of, I accidentally ordered a billion bottles of caffeine free Diet Coke last week instead of the regular SUPER AWESOME MORNING/NOON/NIGHT caffeinated Diet Coke. Let’s not talk about how I am sleeping better and stuff now, okay? Okay. (But I totally am!) I figured I might as well go with it. And if by the time I run out of those billion bottles, I am still walking upright, I might try to phase the diet soda out all together. If it doesn’t have sugar OR caffeine, it’s just chemical filled water, yes? We shall see. I think I probably end up eating more when I have soda with my meals too. Maybe the universe made me mess up on my order to send me a message?

I also invested in some very nice pans that should be delivered to my doorstep soon. I am hoping the nicer weather and fresher produce will inspire me to cook more. Ha. We shall see!

forward momentum

I just did the dishes! *plays victory music* And I didn’t even do them because I was out of silverware/plates/bowls/pots/pans! This is a small victory for me, for serious.

I am doing my best to celebrate the small things like that. Since moving to my new apartment in September, I’ve lost about 10 pounds and I’ve literally done nothing different other than walk to work and make a lot of goulash! So apparently that whole “little things add up” crap people are always spouting is true! I know, so shocking!

Don’t get me wrong, I still want to make huge changes and lose 80 pounds in three months but I am going to try this realistic outlook for awhile, see how I roll like that. I’ve added some low-impact fitness DVDs to my Netflix to put a little extra moving around on the agenda.  And I’ve found an abundance of tasty and healthy recipes for things with whole grains and veggies. The world may end.

Other than taking better care of myself, the rest of my life is moving along rather nicely. I just got a very nice raise at work, I like the new preisident a lot and my adorable hockey team is playing pretty well these days. So, really, I don’t have very much to complain about. If I can’t make positive changes now, when will I *ever* be able to do it?

Comfort Food

I made Macaroni and Beef (or goulash, as I prefer to call it!) (also, I highly recommend that recipe site) because I was craving comfort food and it’s ridiculously easy to make. I didn’t use whole wheat noodles or anything because I really wanted it to taste like I remembered it as a kid. I think I came pretty close. I made sure to call dad before I started to get the right tips. Maybe the dash of paprika did it.

He also said, “remember when I used to make it without the beef and serve it over bread?” I don’t think you need anymore info than that to see how I might have come to have bad food habits. Since he grew up in a household run by parents who survived the depression, he ended up with some interesting food likes that he passed on to me. Our favorite breakfast? Buttered toast dipped into tomato juice. Another bread-tomato staple that my grandfather liked to call “Depression Pizza” was basically ketchup on toast baked in the oven. And don’t get me started on the legacy of Polish food, okay?

Anyway, I am still struggling with eating and cooking at home. Not only is it important for health issues, it’s also financially necessary. Right now I am okay, but if I ever lose my contract freelance job, I’ll be in some deep water. Plus, I’d like to get some things paid off so that when my lease is up, I can afford to sign a new one here if they don’t raise the rent too much. I really love the neighborhood and walking to work!

Part of my love for the neighborhood is the Whole Foods around the corner, which sort of goes against the saving money thing. However, I’ve found that if you go in with a plan, it’s a little easier to come out with some of your paycheck left. It certainly makes it easier to dash over to get forgotten ingredients or fresh produce.

As with all things I attempt, I am struggling with my standard ALL OR NOTHING approach. Hence the goulash. It’s not exactly the whole grain-filled goodness that it should be, nor does it go beyond my love of tomatoes to encorporate any sort of leafy greens. But like I said, it’s easy to make and the ingredients are relatively inexpensive. I figure maybe if I start out as simple as possible, it will become a habit and then I can move on to healthier things later.

Obviously, I also need to look in to returning to therapy, as all the healthy food in the world isn’t going to help if I eat three helpings of it in one sitting. (Which, btw, I did not do. Even though it was very tempting!)

legacies

(Sorry to those seeing this twice. I wanted to get it down in this blog, as it’s very relevant to my food issues.)

I recently watched Girl 27, a documentary about a woman who was a chorus girl at MGM in 1937 when she was raped during a salesman convention, the cover-up that ensued and how it effected her for the rest of her life.

It was really interesting and kind of emotionally draining on several levels. First of all, the fact that shit like that still happens, that attorneys and the media still make the claim that a woman’s “morality” is somehow relevant and that women still take the blame onto themselves, more than 70 years later, and that these things will probably continue to happen for years to come.

But also, mother and daughters and granddaughters and the secrets that are kept for generations and how that shapes relationships. My mother didn’t know her mother had been married and divorced before she married my grandfather until my grandmother was in her 80s, and only then because someone brought it up at a family reunion.

My mom waited until I was in my thirties to sit me down (at the Outback, of all places, between the salad and the steak) to tell me that out there somewhere I have a half-sister that she gave up for adoption when she was in her early twenties. How my grandmother basically forced her to hide in the attic and wear wigs when she went to the doctor during the entirety of her pregnancy. That she never told me because she had somehow come to the conclusion that I was judgmental and would look down on her for it.

And then when my mother came to visit this last time, I brought up being molested by a neighbor when I was very young and she claims she has no memory of anything like that, something I personally didn’t even remember until I was in my late teens, even though my father swears she was there when I told him, a moment which I have still have no memory of at all.

I just…we take so much onto ourselves, as women, these things that are done to us, and hold it inside and find ways to keep it there. It makes me so sad, even as I continue to perpetuate it. My dad is always asking me why I am so angry all the time and all I can ever really say to him is that there is no way that he will ever ever understand what it’s like to be a woman in society and all the baggage that goes along with it.

I wasn’t expecting it to stir up these things. I was just indulging my dorky love for documentaries. Not exactly the happiest of Friday night viewage but interesting nonetheless. Also probably a reminder that getting back into therapy would probably be a good idea, as I have obviously not worked through a lot of these issues.

i <3 tomatoes

I was going to post a picture of the cute little heart-shaped tomato slice I had with my lunch but when I tried to capture it with my camera phone it looked like, well, a jay-jay, as The BFF would say.  So, let’s just skip that, shall we?

The point of the post still the same, however. I have a very complicated love/hate relationship with food, which should come as a surprise to no one. It’s a blissful romance filled with candlelight and warm-fuzzy feelings one day, and the next, it’s cruel and abusive and makes life very difficult.

Sometimes, it feels like food and I are a divorcing couple that’s been locked in a room together with no escape at all. Sure, we’ve had good times together and there was so much love once. But now I just hate it and I want to punish it for making me miserable, then I never want to see it again. It’s all food’s fault! I was the good one in this relationship! Food let me down! Food doesn’t make me feel good like it used to. Why can’t food do the fucking dishes for once??!?

Unfortunately, my relationship with food isn’t like your standard romantic relationship. I can’t break up with food. I can’t erase its name from my cell phone and set its emails to spam. I can’t pack up all its shit and set it out in the lawn. And while I can make a playlist full of my favorite sad songs, that really does do much for me health-wise.

No matter how mad I am at food, I still have to deal with it every day or I die. It’s that simple. So one of the hardest things for me is to think of food as simply just fuel for my body. Something that I should enjoy but not let dominate my every emotion. Usually the more frustrated I am with myself, the more frustrated I am with food, too. During these periods, I will literally eat pizza every day for a week, because it’s the only food I don’t want to toss out the window and run over with my car. It’s the only food that still gives me a little pleasure.

(Oh, wow! Pizza is my fuckbuddy, ya’ll!)

At the moment, I am trying not to hate food. I am trying to pack lunches and make dinners and plan breakfasts that are relatively healthy that I know I will enjoy.  This girl loves her some tomatoes, so it’s a good time of year to give into that love. Well, except for the recall but still! I love a freshly-sliced tomato with a little dash of salt and pepper. I like it on sandwiches and diced on salad and in salsa and pasta sauce and sauteed with some zucchini. I LOVE TOMATOES! So I am embracing them, in moderation of course. I’m embracing strawberries and raspberries and sweet corn and dark rye bread and black bean dip and guacamole. Things that I love that love me back which is what you want in a happy relationship, right?

Sure, sometimes guacamole tempts m to eat tortilla chips by the bowl full and sweet corn is a lot more carbalicious than baby spinach and, man, strawberries never pick up their dirty socks. But by allowing myself to feel good about what I eat inspires me and motivates me to find more things to eat that I love that will love me back.

(Sometimes I feel very much “fake it until I make it” about these types of posts. If you look in my archives, you can probably find a similar post espousing the same ideals. On the one hand, I feel a bit like a hypocrite because I say it and live it for awhile and then stop. On the other hand, you only fail when you give up completely, right?)