You know, if you order one of those light pizzas and you eat the whole thing, I think that is still considered a bad thing.

I went to the doctor two weeks ago and my blood work was fine, which isn’t really good because that’s one less motivator for me. Not like it worked before, of course, but an extra kick might have been helpful. I did get put on a new anti-depressant so maybe that will facilitate some change.

I think the holiday will be good for me. I don’t have any party plans or family gatherings. Just me and the cats. With the Christmas and New Year’s weekends both being four days, I’ll have plenty of time to relax AND get myself organized.

I am signing a new lease at this apartment next month, so I’d like to start out my second year there with a clean slate. This is the first time I have stayed in the same apartment for more than a year. It’s a little strange. I wish I had a bit more closet space, but other than that, it suites me quite well. The cats enjoy it, too. I am debating on whether or not to inform the complex that I have them. It will cost me $400 non-refundable plus $10 a cat a month. Meh. We shall see.

I am always spending my time thinking “as soon as I do this…” or “as soon as I have more time…” or “if I just lived closer to home…” and I realize that there is never, like, a convergence where everything in your life is calm and centered enough for you to completly focus on taking better care of yourself and being happy. I have to learn how to do all that while work is driving me crazy or money is tight. Because if I can’t, it’s never going to change. Sure, I could wish to win the lotto so I could go live at a health resort until I get it all figured out, but that is probably not going to happen.

The thing is, I am so fucking smart. I have all of the knowlege to do the things I need to do. Except I can’t seem to find the thing that will motivate me to do it.