okay, so it’s like this

Five months. Huh. Well, it’s not the longest I’ve gone without posting to this blog (in it’s many forms) but it’s not exactly ideal, no?

I had a bit of a spell where I ate these greasy fried (I typed fright first, ha!) boneless chicken wing things that were delivered hot and fresh to my house at least twice a week. Just typing that made my mouth water, so maybe I shouldn’t even be talking about them. Ya’ll, one time? I dipped them in chocolate.

Anyway, point is, I wasn’t really paying that much attention to taking care of myself. However, at the same time, I was walking to work every day, therefore I somehow broke even, weight wise. I’ll try not to sit here and cry over lost opportunities (I am lying!) and move on.

I’ve been eating better lately, though it’s been a severe test of wills. I’ve created a crazy (no, seriously) way of dealing with it mentally and it’s working, so I honestly don’t care if it qualifies me for a little white coat or not (plus, the book I will write about it is going to be stellar).   I even went for walk yesterday morning and I plan to do it again tomorrow. (Please tell me when the “exercising will give you more energy!” part kicks in because it really just makes me want to sleep instead of work!)

As I say every single time I try to make positive changes, I am doing my best to take it slowly and not beat myself up for misteps. It seems so very simple yet it never is. I mean, today, I couldn’t even figure out if I was full. I was eating lunch (a salad and a bowl of Amy’s Organic Cream of Tomato Soup – Light in Sodium (to which I ended up adding sodium!)) and I literally could not figure out if I was full or if, I don’t know, I had gas or something. I had food left, therefore I should eat it! Like I was mad at my stomach. I mean, this isn’t an issue when I am eating something I really want (the lunch was decent, rather be having a cheeseburger!), as I don’t fucking care if I am full, I am eating it all. Sometimes, I feel like I should just eat things I kind of don’t like to save myself the trouble. But then I get really cranky and want to kill people, so I am not sure that is the best strategy.

Basically, I am at the same place I am usually at in my cycle of crazy, but maybe with a few more tools in my arsenal to break through.

I did the dishes this weekend, so gold stars for me. Considering I probably hadn’t done them since the last time I posted about it, you can just imagine the mess I had to deal with. It took me about, oh, three hours to get through it all. I also did all of my laundry, too. Of course, by the time Sunday evening rolled around, I was too exhausted to do some of the other stuff I needed to get done.

In between the dishes and the laundry, I went to Whole Foods to stock up on good foods. I have challenged myself to not go out to eat this whole work week. Which means I needed breakfast and lunch foods. I bought my first jar of almond butter (had some with a banana this morning for bfast) and tried to avoid carby things and stick to veggies.

I’ve sort of resigned myself to be miserable when it comes to food for awhile. Yeah, I know, I should eat things I like but…I like potato chips and take out and large pizzas and crap like that. So it really doesn’t matter what I cook for myself, I am still not going to be happy about not eating exactly what I want to be eating. If I am not using food to stuff down my emotions, I am going to have to actually, you know, feel them. So, I feel like I need to just own that and suffer through it and try to find other ways to deal with it, like writing in this thing or reading a book or having a temper tantrum on the floor. It will get better eventually, right? And I figure I am really sort of miserable even when I am eating all the crap I want to eat, so at least this way, I’ll be eating better.

my darling clementine

I’ve been craving fresh fruit lately (probably because of the recipe surfing and saving I’ve been doing) but my kitchen is such a mess, I haven’t been up for buying them. But it got to be such an obsession, I picked up a bag of these

to keep at my (much neater) desk at work. Yeah, it would make more sense to clean my kitchen but baby steps! I am trying my darndest to go with any healthy impulse I have, no matter how wacky/expensive/complicated/whatever. And not to let any sort of “well, first I need to x/y/z before I can [insert healthy thing here].”

For instance, two weeks ago, I accidentally bought approximately a billion bottles of  instead of       .

It was pretty traumatic at first. But then I started to notice I was sleeping better. Who knew not having one two bottles of regular Diet Coke after 6pm would be bad for sleep! Okay, I totally knew that. I just didn’t know it, you know? Now I am contemplating using this mistake as a way too ween myself from Diet Coke (at least at home) all together. There are many reasons to do so, really. It’s expensive, heavy to carry,  and full of chemicals. Plus, I think that I eat more when I drink soda with my meals.  I haven’t committed to giving caffeine up completely (omgcoffeeilu) but I think this is a baby step I can handle.

You see, summer is coming and I have nothing to wear. I mean, things fit okay but I have clothes from a few years ago that don’t and my favorite pants are starting to wear out. And since we all can’t be Lady Gaga, I’m eventually going to have to buy new ones, which can be rather complicated for someone as short and round in the middle as I am. If I could just get some of my spare tire to migrate down to a badonkadonk, my shopping would be a lot easier. Unfortunately, fat doesn’t work that way so I’ve got to toss out the spare tire so I can fit into actual petite pants.

I’ve been reading this from the Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl for inspriation. I can still remember finding her early on in my diet blogging days and following her progress. Along with Lose the Buddha, her site is one I would recommend to anyone curious about how it really gets done. Of course, both of them have busted a lot of lard in the last eight years and I’m pretty much right where I was (size wise) when I started this thing. I try not to let that get to me while I am reading the book and just focus on the fact that it can be done and that there is a pot of gold lurking out there somewhere at the end of the rainbow. I get afraid sometimes that I’ll have to be obsessed with this stuff for the rest of my life and I get tired even thinking about it. But both Shauna and Erin show that you can get a point where maintenence is just part of a regular day and that getting healthy doesn’t have to consume your every thought forever.

forward momentum

I just did the dishes! *plays victory music* And I didn’t even do them because I was out of silverware/plates/bowls/pots/pans! This is a small victory for me, for serious.

I am doing my best to celebrate the small things like that. Since moving to my new apartment in September, I’ve lost about 10 pounds and I’ve literally done nothing different other than walk to work and make a lot of goulash! So apparently that whole “little things add up” crap people are always spouting is true! I know, so shocking!

Don’t get me wrong, I still want to make huge changes and lose 80 pounds in three months but I am going to try this realistic outlook for awhile, see how I roll like that. I’ve added some low-impact fitness DVDs to my Netflix to put a little extra moving around on the agenda.  And I’ve found an abundance of tasty and healthy recipes for things with whole grains and veggies. The world may end.

Other than taking better care of myself, the rest of my life is moving along rather nicely. I just got a very nice raise at work, I like the new preisident a lot and my adorable hockey team is playing pretty well these days. So, really, I don’t have very much to complain about. If I can’t make positive changes now, when will I *ever* be able to do it?

Comfort Food

I made Macaroni and Beef (or goulash, as I prefer to call it!) (also, I highly recommend that recipe site) because I was craving comfort food and it’s ridiculously easy to make. I didn’t use whole wheat noodles or anything because I really wanted it to taste like I remembered it as a kid. I think I came pretty close. I made sure to call dad before I started to get the right tips. Maybe the dash of paprika did it.

He also said, “remember when I used to make it without the beef and serve it over bread?” I don’t think you need anymore info than that to see how I might have come to have bad food habits. Since he grew up in a household run by parents who survived the depression, he ended up with some interesting food likes that he passed on to me. Our favorite breakfast? Buttered toast dipped into tomato juice. Another bread-tomato staple that my grandfather liked to call “Depression Pizza” was basically ketchup on toast baked in the oven. And don’t get me started on the legacy of Polish food, okay?

Anyway, I am still struggling with eating and cooking at home. Not only is it important for health issues, it’s also financially necessary. Right now I am okay, but if I ever lose my contract freelance job, I’ll be in some deep water. Plus, I’d like to get some things paid off so that when my lease is up, I can afford to sign a new one here if they don’t raise the rent too much. I really love the neighborhood and walking to work!

Part of my love for the neighborhood is the Whole Foods around the corner, which sort of goes against the saving money thing. However, I’ve found that if you go in with a plan, it’s a little easier to come out with some of your paycheck left. It certainly makes it easier to dash over to get forgotten ingredients or fresh produce.

As with all things I attempt, I am struggling with my standard ALL OR NOTHING approach. Hence the goulash. It’s not exactly the whole grain-filled goodness that it should be, nor does it go beyond my love of tomatoes to encorporate any sort of leafy greens. But like I said, it’s easy to make and the ingredients are relatively inexpensive. I figure maybe if I start out as simple as possible, it will become a habit and then I can move on to healthier things later.

Obviously, I also need to look in to returning to therapy, as all the healthy food in the world isn’t going to help if I eat three helpings of it in one sitting. (Which, btw, I did not do. Even though it was very tempting!)

i <3 tomatoes

I was going to post a picture of the cute little heart-shaped tomato slice I had with my lunch but when I tried to capture it with my camera phone it looked like, well, a jay-jay, as The BFF would say.  So, let’s just skip that, shall we?

The point of the post still the same, however. I have a very complicated love/hate relationship with food, which should come as a surprise to no one. It’s a blissful romance filled with candlelight and warm-fuzzy feelings one day, and the next, it’s cruel and abusive and makes life very difficult.

Sometimes, it feels like food and I are a divorcing couple that’s been locked in a room together with no escape at all. Sure, we’ve had good times together and there was so much love once. But now I just hate it and I want to punish it for making me miserable, then I never want to see it again. It’s all food’s fault! I was the good one in this relationship! Food let me down! Food doesn’t make me feel good like it used to. Why can’t food do the fucking dishes for once??!?

Unfortunately, my relationship with food isn’t like your standard romantic relationship. I can’t break up with food. I can’t erase its name from my cell phone and set its emails to spam. I can’t pack up all its shit and set it out in the lawn. And while I can make a playlist full of my favorite sad songs, that really does do much for me health-wise.

No matter how mad I am at food, I still have to deal with it every day or I die. It’s that simple. So one of the hardest things for me is to think of food as simply just fuel for my body. Something that I should enjoy but not let dominate my every emotion. Usually the more frustrated I am with myself, the more frustrated I am with food, too. During these periods, I will literally eat pizza every day for a week, because it’s the only food I don’t want to toss out the window and run over with my car. It’s the only food that still gives me a little pleasure.

(Oh, wow! Pizza is my fuckbuddy, ya’ll!)

At the moment, I am trying not to hate food. I am trying to pack lunches and make dinners and plan breakfasts that are relatively healthy that I know I will enjoy.  This girl loves her some tomatoes, so it’s a good time of year to give into that love. Well, except for the recall but still! I love a freshly-sliced tomato with a little dash of salt and pepper. I like it on sandwiches and diced on salad and in salsa and pasta sauce and sauteed with some zucchini. I LOVE TOMATOES! So I am embracing them, in moderation of course. I’m embracing strawberries and raspberries and sweet corn and dark rye bread and black bean dip and guacamole. Things that I love that love me back which is what you want in a happy relationship, right?

Sure, sometimes guacamole tempts m to eat tortilla chips by the bowl full and sweet corn is a lot more carbalicious than baby spinach and, man, strawberries never pick up their dirty socks. But by allowing myself to feel good about what I eat inspires me and motivates me to find more things to eat that I love that will love me back.

(Sometimes I feel very much “fake it until I make it” about these types of posts. If you look in my archives, you can probably find a similar post espousing the same ideals. On the one hand, I feel a bit like a hypocrite because I say it and live it for awhile and then stop. On the other hand, you only fail when you give up completely, right?)

i like bread and butter

Two entries in two days? WHAT? Yeah, I know. But I was reading some weight loss blogs at lunch *points to side bar* and I got a little inspired. (Plus, I get a point! Woo! I like to think of them as sparkly gold stars in my head. Because I am twelve!)

Anyway, I didn’t end up meditating last night like I planned. I read a few chapters of Feeling Good (okay, more like skimmed because jeezo, I get it, this works, can we move on please?) and by the time I was done, it was midnight and I felt a little silly mediating before bed. I don’t want to set up a pattern or I’ll be falling asleep every time I try it.

I had a hard time sleeping, though, so I sort of wish I had tried it. I had one of those headaches you get when you are addicted to sugar and caffeine and you spend a whole day avoiding them. Plus, I only ended up eating around 1,600 calories which is probably a lot less than I’ve been used to lately. I laid in bed for a while, fighting the urge to get up and have a slice of bread with butter. I wanted this so badly, ya’ll! Instead, I just laid there frustrated that, once again, I was obsessing about food. And when I woke up, I still had the headache, plus a serious craving for a donut!

Now, I haven’t had a donut in, like, two years. Oddly, I am not a big fan of them normally. I only have them when someone kindly brings them into the office. But for some reason, I just wanted a gd donut! I even Google mapped to see if there was a Dunkin Donuts near my office. (DAMN YOU, RACHEL RAY!) Thankfully, there was not one within a half mile. On the one hand, if you are going to eat a donut, you should probably have to walk a mile round trip to get it. On the other hand, girl is lazy. Of course, there are two Au Bon Pains between me and my office, so I ended up with a cherry danish and some coffee anyway. Still, I entered the food in my Spark log and I did bring a healthy lunch, so I don’t think it’s going to kill me. I am trying so so so sooooooooooo hard to not make things a huge deal. A cherry danish on a Monday morning? Not a big deal. A cherry danish every day until the end of time? A big deal. One day at a time is so cliche but I’ve got to break it down further to, like, on hour at a time or I’ll go crazier.

I am trying not to make too many eating habit changes too quickly (yes, again) because I tend to get obsessive. Like, I should be eating healthier AND focusing on more sustainable eating practices AND trying to save money AND AND AND! But, really, I think that’s asking a lot of anyone. So I am doing my best to focus on things that taste good that are good for me and working from there.  Once I’ve developed a good habit, then I can find a way to make it cheaper/more sustainable/whatever.

Inspi(red)

You may be asking yourself what a bunch of happy hockey players have to do with my health but, trust me, I am going to get to it! This isn’t just an excuse to post that awesome picture. Although I do adore looking at it. *stares for a moment*

Okay, here’s how the story goes. A few weeks ago, The BFF e-mailed me a proposition. “Let’s set some health and fitness goals,” she said. “And then when we reach them, we’ll buy season tickets for the Capitals!” Sometimes, she has awesome ideas. So we started to plan. However, the Caps threw a little (yet extremely AWESOME) wrench into our plans: THEY MADE THE PLAYOFFS! C-A-P-S! CAPS! CAPS! CAPS!

Uh. Anyway, after some research, we realized that a)season tickets were selling out fast, and b)if we bought them now, we were guaranteed playoff tickets at a discounted rate. After much conferring, we decided to go ahead and get them. Now, if you know me, you know that delayed gratification is an Achilles’ heel for me. To make this as legit as possible, we are all (The BFF’s roommate is also in) going to sign a contract stating that if we do not make our goals, we have to SELL our beloved tickets.

We decided to make Friday the deadline for coming up with our goals but I think I have them down for now. I tried to be as realistic as possible. And while I will be watching my weight, I have decided not to make any set weight goals, as I feel that eating better and exercise will naturally lead to it (hopefully!) and obsessing about the numbers is not really in my best interest at this time. I am trying to incorporate things that have worked in the past and leave behind the things that haven’t. We’ll see how that goes.

Here is what I have so far:

1. Exercise at least 3 times a week for at least 30 minutes.
2. Bring lunch to work at least 3 times a week.
3. Update this here blog at least once a week.
4. Eat more fruits and veggies!
5. Track food on Spark
6. Avoid white flour as much as possible.
7. Avoid eating out as much as possible.

I’ve set up a little widget from Joe’s Goals to help me track my progress, which I will add to my sidebar as soon as WP stops being a bitch.

The first five goals give me positive points and if I slip on the last two, points are taken away. I am trying to be realistic without being too vague and/or easy on myself. How am I doing? Should I be more strict? Not strict enough?

Hopefully, if all goes well, I’ll lose weight (so I can fit into the teeny arena seats better!) and have more energy (for cheering) when this is all said and done, as well as AWESOME season tickets to the Caps. However, I promise to never ever wear this. Probably. Maybe. Okay, no. Seriously. But I reserve the right to wear ridiculous things like that in the future if the spirit moves me.

So, like, I was talking about thzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Can eating better actually make you more tired? No? Maybe I am just special!

Actually, I probably have more energy at night and I don’t give it an outlet, so when I try to go to sleep, I end up tossing and turning for an hour. Plus, no carb coma. Of course, I also have a tendency to obsess about what I am going to eat the next day/week/month/year during that time, too. Last night, it got to the point where I was dreaming about someone stealing the peanut butter on toast I was planning to have for breakfast.

Basically, it all adds up to me not getting a good night’s sleep and being tired the next day. But I’m eating more fruits and veggies! Is that a good trade off?

I’d like to be the kind of person that can eat healthy without really thinking about it. But it’s kind of like learning a foreign language at this point. If I don’t study and do the word problems and read the text books and actually immerse myself in the culture of eating better, it will never be something I can just casually toss off at a moments notice. It takes a lot of energy for me to not grab fast food on the way home or actually cook something for dinner. Because I’ve spent the last 10 years at least doing those fast, easy and not-good-for-me things, so they are my automatic response. I have to literally reign myself in all day long at this point to even come close to eating healthy.

I want to do it because I want to be healthier and that’s what drives my decision making. Unfortunately, making that grand pronouncement doesn’t erase all the bad habits. I’ve read that it’s easier to create good habits than break bad ones (or something to that effect) and, well, I am not sure I believe that!

The hardest part for me at this point is finding a middle-ground between eating whatever I want, when I want and obsessing over eating better every waking moment. It’s a slippery slope either way and it kind of stresses me out trying not to get stressed out about it. It’s not that I want to beat myself up for “failing” or anything, but I know that it will take me longer to get to the point of eating healthy being a habit if I continue to go to extremes all the time.

But I am doing the best that I can right now. I think that’s important and I’m going to give myself credit for it and try to relax just a bit before I give myself a headache and a bacon cheeseburger.