I am so distant from the hope of myself,
in which I have goodness, and discernment,
and never hurry through the world
but walk slowly, and bow often.

Around me the trees stir in their leaves
and call out, “Stay awhile.”
The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, “It’s simple,” they say,
“and you too have come into the world to do this, to go easy,
to be filled with light, and to shine.

~ Mary Oliver ~

Dr. D shared this during group last night and I thought it would be nice to have here.

I think I made the right choice. It’s pretty easy and definitely for beginners. There is always part of me that wants to start off doing really complicated, long workouts, as I want change NOW NOW NOW! But, as this blog has demonstrated time and again, that doesn’t really work for me. Now I’m trying the non-judgment route. Anything that gets my ass off the couch and ends up with me sweaty is a good thing. Even if it’s just dancing around the living room to some Beyonce for 10 minutes. And yes, I have done that and perhaps will do it tonight to warm up for running.

Anyway, in an amusing bit of irony (I think?), I used the TV and DVD remotes as dumbbells during the upper body stuff because all I have is 3lbs ones and I don’t think I am quite ready for that. See? In the past I would have used them and then not been able to lift my arms for a week. I did feel a little silly waving around the remote controls but in a way, it was nice. I feel like I’ve gotten to a point where I just don’t care what anyone else thinks of me, especially when I am working out. I don’t wear my glasses when I run so I can’t see their faces anyway. And if I am worrying about how I look or what they are thinking, it sort of defeats the purpose of exercising because it’s good for me and I deserve to be healthy. That doesn’t have anything to do with that guy I work with who is waiting for the bus and just saw me run by looking really sweaty in my Capitals hat.

Things are going okay. I feel like I am in a better place now than the last time I posted, so that’s a good thing. I’ve even finished an 8k and 10k (walking, mostly!) since then.

I’m currently doing some Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction in a group setting. Basically, I am learning to meditate and be in the moment. And trying to stay motivated to train for another 10k in the fall. I’d like to run the whole thing, even if it’s a gentle trot.

Mostly, focusing on practicing self-care. I am thinking I want to chronicle things here but who knows.

I figured it was a good night to dust this off, since I made the healthy food blog staple known as kale chips for dinner. It’s a milestone that everyone who is trying to eat healthier should pause to commemorate. I didn’t….hate them? I mean, I like salt and olive oil, so that part was good. And they didn’t have a really strong veggie taste. So, yay for surviving that.

Anyway, I hit a rough patch about two months ago and I am just getting back around to feeling steady again. The combination of trying to cut back on therapy and dealing with my mother kind of exploded in my face. So it’s back to every week and trying to take deep breaths when dealing with the mothership. Dr. D suggested I just picture her as a cartoon character. Anything to get through it.

And the basic theme of just about every session is how I am so resistent to self care. I don’t know why I seem to dislike myself as much as I do but things aren’t going to get better until I figure out how to let that go. Just typing that out makes me sad.

So we are back to baby steps. Breakfast and lunch weren’t that healthy but dinner was. I didn’t do the dishes but I organized them neatly on the counter. And then I cleaned out the fridge a little so it will be easier to stock it with healthier things when I get around to that. Then I start all over again tomorrow. That’s as far ahead as I want to look for now.

I got these little cards forever ago, I am not sure if they were from my dad or something I bought for myself. They’ve been with me through many “diets”, “life plans”, etc., sometimes living on the mirror in the bathroom, stuck to my computer monitor or on the back of the door next to a weight chart. The only one that has survived the move to this apartment contains that reminder and is on the fridge now.

This is the most difficult thing for me. Some people might confuse my messy apartment or my weight issues with not caring or being lazy, something I often accuse myself of when I let the negative self talk get the better of me. But it’s really more like, if I can’t to it perfectly, why do it at all? That leads to procrastination and/or overextending myself which then leads to giving up and eating a whole pizza. I plan plan plan and try try try then I get overwhelmed and then I am just done. I ran into this last week and it took me awhile to recover from it. I got caught up in cooking lots of things ahead of time for the week and before I knew it, my kitchen was a mess and I didn’t have enough energy left over from the cooking and shopping to get it back in order again.

So this week, I learned that my kitchen does not have to be clean for me to cook for myself. Yes, the dishes have piled up and I need to do creative rearranging to get counter space but still. It’s better to use my energy to take care of myself first and then my apartment/kitchen second. I learned that I don’t have to eat something I don’t like just because I spent an hour cooking it. And pizza rolls on Friday night are not an excuse to avoid eating well for the rest of the week!

I am also quite proud that I went over a week without eating out or ordering in once! I did grab food on the way home tonight because I went to happy hour and I was really hungry, so I knew I would not be in the mood to cook when I got home. It was actually disappointing, as I went to an Indian place I used to go to all the time and they changed some things not for the better. Was the universe trying to tell me something?

I had my first Diet Coke in almost two weeks with my disappointing meal and I did not enjoy it either. So I am pretty happy that I have survived giving up the Magic Elixir. I am still experimenting with the sparkling lime water/pomegranate/cherry/agave drink. I have noticed that I drink less of it in once sitting than I did Diet Coke. I am trying to just focus on the fact that I am nourishing my body with antioxidants and all sorts of other good things that are in the juice. It’s very hard for me to not try to count all the calories and measure everything and try to make it all fit into a perfect little box. I know that some people find success that way but it has never worked for me. So I am focusing on making small, positive changes and I think switching from chemically soda to real fruit juice, in moderation, is a good positive change.

Today was Amy’s Tortilla Casserole & Black Beans Bowl which was a little bland but still tasty. The slaw went well with that.

And then for dinner!

Yes, folks. That is spinach in there. AND broccoli. I KNOW! I had some WestSoy Thai Sesame Peanut baked tofu and peanut sauce from Whole Foods, so I grabbed a little bit of broccoli and a bag of baby spinach on my way home. Sauteed some onions and the tofu, then tossed in the green things and a sauce that included the peanut sauce, soy, and some hot sauce. Stirred it all together and served it over a small serving of white rice. It was DELICIOUS! I was quite shocked how much I enjoyed it! I only ate half so I have some for lunch tomorrow. I even added some more spinach when I put it in my tupperware, as I think I could handle more and be okay. Yay for vitamins!

Right now I am cooking some sort of mystery sweet potato BBQ chicken spinach muffin loaf things for tomorrow’s dinner. IDEK! I am experimenting and probably failing. But I have decided to have no fear in the kitchen and cook relatively healthy things that I enjoy. Baby steps baby steps baby steps.

So I picked up some big jars for pasta and such, some little glass jars for spices, some food containers and one of each of these:

The top drawers are filled with tea bags, seasoning mixes and one for garlic bulbs, and then the bottom is for lentils, rice, quiona, etc. I am not sure if they are air-tight enough for long time storage, so for right now, most of the stuff is in the bags I got them in at the store. But still! I like the way it turned out. I may find another place for my bread and store my spices on top. We shall see.

(The things on the fridge are my magnetic Indian spice kit from my lovely friend Jenns. I love them! Though I would caution that you have to be careful with the lids, as I dumped a pile of garam masala on the floor once when I knocked it off the fridge.)

After I was done with that, I got the crockpot out to makes some BBQ chicken (I just poured BBQ sauce and some hot wings sauce instead of the dressing and such) and made up a big bowl of this feta lime cabbage slaw. I think I am going to roast some baby carrots later to go with.

While the chicken is cooking, I decided to give egg muffins a try. First, I had to figure out if my eggs were fresh and they all passed the not-floating-or-smelly test! Then I added some deli ham to all the cups and then picante sauce and cheese to 6 and then I went crazy and put a little chive cream cheese in the other six. They are cooking right now so hopefully they will turn out and I will have breakfast for the week! I may be even more brave and try to freeze some for later.

More gold stars for me!

I ended up making Apple & Cinnamon Quinoa from Green Lite Bites (cherry juice instead of lemon and brown sugar instead of honey ’cause I gotta work with what I got!) with a little chunk of Irish cheddar and a cup of Lady Grey tea. Normally I am not a breakfast for dinner kind of girl unless it involves eggs and bacon, but this was pretty much exactly what I was looking for.

As I am writing this, I am thinking to myself, “you should wait a few hours to consider it a success because you are probably going to get really hungry and eat something as a late night snack!”

Oh, my brain! I am not going to listen. I am going to enjoy the afterglow of a nutritious and delicious meal and give myself bonus gold stars for doing some of the dishes while I waited for it to cook. GO ME!

ETA: Also? I did not turn the TV on while I ate. I put on some mellow music and tried to just focus on enjoying my meal. I wasn’t quite able to cut the cord to the laptop but baby steps!

To recap:

Week One
- The BFF’s dog dies on a Tuesday
- The Washington Captials are eliminated from the playoffs on a Wednesday
- I lock myself out of my Gmail on a Thursday and almost have a nervous breakdown

Week Two
- THERAPIST DARES TO GO OUT OF TOWN ON A MONDAY!!!!
- Mom comes to visit on a Thursday
- Decides she wants to go to the Holocaust museum on Saturday
- Tells lies about not forcing me to go to church and is generally weird and critical on a Monday

Yeah, so, seriously. Gold stars all around for not losing my mind. I thought that when I went to see my therapist this week, I would be crying and blubbering all over the place but I really was not. I mean, yes, my mother drives me crazy. And she gets more negative and critical every time I see her. But I have learned by now how to put up the walls I need to protect myself from her bullshit. They only cracked a little during the time she was here and mostly because I expended all my mental energy crying at the Holocaust museum!

The hardest part for me is that when I am with my mom, I look at her and think, “if you don’t do something to change, that will be you in thirty years!” I feel a little guilty about thinking such a thing about my own mother but it’s just the truth. She’s 64 years old and overweight and married to a man she doesn’t even really like and is pretty much the most miserable person I know. I do not want to end up like that ever. As sad as that is, it is something I really need because I am horrible about delayed gratification, on top of the fact that I am very bad at caring about and taking care of myself. It is sobering to be confronted with the consequences of that in a walking talking person.

Needless to say, I am pretty motivated by that and the fact that I survived some pretty horrible weeks in a row without crumbling!

In other news, I have been avoiding focusing food on any sort of concentrated effort (in the past, I have focused on food and not the emotional stuff first and obviously, it has not work, so I’m switching it up!), except gathering some recipes. Lots of good Indian recipes in there. I have found that I enjoy just about all the spices in Indian food and can eat many more vegetables I would not normally touch if they are cooked in some curry.

Anyway, while I have not been super vigilant, I have been trying to make small changes. I bought some bagels and cream cheese to take to work instead of going to McD’s in the morning. Would an apple and some yogurt or whatever be better? Yes. But still. It’s a step. And it’s cheaper, which I really need to work on. I spend so much going out to eat, it is unreal.

At this point, I am basically on the Eat Whatever You Want As Long As You Make It At Home plan. Even if I am eating the kinds of stuff I eat out, it is still healthier and cheaper to make it at home. And if I actually make the food from scratch, even better! I am also trying to stop drinking soda at home, even Diet Coke. I am trying some various iced teas and such to come up with something other than water. I don’t mind drinking water but I prefer something with a little flavor with my meals.

So tonight, even though I was very very tired, I went to Whole Paycheck on my way home and picked up some fruit, some Amy’s Organic meals and other various things that came to approximately eleventy billion dollars! (Okay, $85!)

First up, I was inspired by HEAB’s cherry limeade-ish drink made with sparkling water with lime and cherry juice:

A cup and half of Poland Springs Sparkling Water with Lime and 1/4 cup of organic cherry juice. It was..interesting? I did not hate it but I wanted it to be sweeter! I might try some of that Skinny Cherry that HEAB mentioned. The Stevia would give it a bit more sweetness without sugar. Or I guess I could just train myself to like it less sweet? We shall see.

For dinner, I decided to try to new Indian dishes:

Trader Joe’s Pav Bhaji (gluten free, if you care about such things) and Jyoti Jaipur Karhi over some white balsamit rice. It was very spicy and tasty! The Pave Bhaji is tomatoes, cauliflower, beans and potatoes and the jaipur is potato dumplings in a butter milk sauce. So I got some good veggies in there, though I went way crazy on the starch. Next time, I will probably not pair those things together and perhaps make some chicken or something. And, well, whole wheat couscous as soon as I go through the rest of the white rice.

I have to say that I have been VERY impressed with the Trader Joe’s Indian fare thus far. It’s amazing how they can make them with all natural ingredients but able to live in my cupboard! Yes, they are a bit high in sodium but still. I really have a hard time getting motivated to cook, so a tasty veggie-filled stew I can make in two minutes is pretty damn impressive! And if I am feeling adventurous, I could probably add some lentils or chickpeas to it and have it be a whole meal. I will have to stock up on those next time I go.

Wow. This got really long! That’s what happens when I don’t post in forever!

- Make my own chicken/veggie stock
- Wear sassy belts
- Take a yoga class
- Get an alarm clock that does not lose time
- Send back the Netflix that’s been sitting next to the TV for months
- Squirrel money away for regular pedicures

I am still alive, in case you’ve been checking back here to make sure. Therapy is going well, I think. I am desperately trying not to get frustrated by the amount of work I feel I need to do. I remind myself daily that I am dealing with 30+ years of habit making so it will take time to turn it around. And I am doing my best to not give up entirely when frustrated.

This week was particularly bad for a number of external reason and then my mother is coming to visit next week. And, oh, did I mention my therapist is out of town during our regular Monday appointment? I will survive it!

I suppose I should add survive the week to my to-do list, eh?