Archive | March, 2003
31 Mar

Can we just forget the weekend even happened? Yeah, that would be great. I didn’t do horribly with food but it wasn’t exactly stellar. And let’s just forget about the fast food binge on Sunday, shall we? I should have fasted the whole weekend, what with the stomach cramps. I get really paranoid about digestive issues because of all the problems my dad had. It seems to have gone away for the most part but I had a few little ones this afternoon. I think maybe it is yet another wakeup call that if I don’t eat right, my body is going to make me pay for it. Food is for fuel, dammit.

So I am trying that whole many small meals thing to keep the metabolism up. I went to the grocery store last night and bought a bunch of heathly shit, including some Boca products. I had planned to get up early and make a decent breakfast but I didn’t sleep well due to the stomach issues so I hit the snooze. I ended up having some rye toast and orange juice instead. Not a lot of protien but okay.

My main issue is controlling my portions. I just eat until everything is gone, you know? I have no idea what it is like to eat until satisfied and leave stuff on my plate. How bizarre is that? Even when I packed my lunch, I probably made it bigger than I should have and I ate every last bite. I still don’t have a tight enough grasp on food=fuel as I should and it shows when I mow down on the food. I think that will be my goal for dinner tonight. Small portions and not eating until I feel like bursting.

28 Mar

Look at me! Two days in a row! So, after all that whining, yesterday still ended up being a good day. I hade three decent meals and a snack, only one coke AND I took the dog for a nice twenty minute walk. Cut out the Frappachino in the morning and the sugar in my iced tea, it would have been an excellent day.

I did not eat breakfast this morning like I planned, so that isn’t so good but I am going to have a nice spinach salad and some couscous for lunch, so I think that is good. Also, lots of water.

My goal is to one day at a time this whole thing. I have GOT to stop looking at the gigantic picture that is this journey and take wee baby steps.

27 Mar

Hey, wow. Only a month went by this time. *snerk*

Okay, so I have been feeling like total crap lately. I have eaten NOTHING but junk for the last three weeks. I have made myself Chef Boyarde pepperoni pizza at least five times during that period and eaten the whole. damn. pie each time. Every night when I get home from work, I go in to my room and shut the door. I put on comfy clothes, stuff my face and stare at the computer screen until my butt is numb and my eyelids droop. My days are filled with bursts of anger and fear that lead to bouts of depression and pity partying. I can feel the crap I am eating sitting on my stomach and all the sugar rotting my brain. I have had a constant headache for the last week and I KNOW it is from all the sugar I am consuming but I can’t seem to bring myself to care at the moment. I mean, I do care. I hate the way I feel and the way I look and what I am doing with my life right now and I am not doing a damn thing about it which makes me even crankier!!! Gawd, I am a fucking queen at feeling sorry for myself, ya’ll. I am tired of being tired! I am tired of being tired and then trying to not be tired and giving up on not being tired until I am even more tired. TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I still go read the journals of people who have been successful at this whole living better thing. I keep thinking that if I do that, something will click, you know, aha Oprah moment and shit. I have had a thousand of them but they never seem to last long. The Self Challenge lasted, like, two days. If I could just convince myself to start out small, I think I would be better. God, my head is full of the answers and my body cries out for me to to listen but the demon in my psyche is too strong for me sometimes. Someone kill it for me please?!?!

So, this girl who calls herself Diet Chick has an excellent blog. She has lost over 60lbs since 5/02 so she is pretty inspiring. She wrote an entry today that really hit home for me so I wanted to share it.

I’m getting some emails from some desperate girls looking for help so I thought maybe I’d just do a post about it and try to help as many people as possible. I think I’m in a position to help because I have very slow metabolism, am always hungry, crave foods like you wouldn’t believe, despise exercising, and completely know what yourre feeling right now.

I am a binger, I could binge right now this very second. I know exactly what I would buy and just thinking about it makes my mouth water and perk up. There hasn’t been a day that’s past that I haven’t wanted to binge, that I haven’t craved real icecream or a pizza or Chinese food or substantial amounts of chocolate. There’s only one reason why I haven’t binged and it’s really a simple concept. Are you ready?

What you eat is a choice. You can weigh whatever you want to weigh. It’s all a choice.

You may think you can’t, you may think you can’t control what you eat, but you can. Don’t believe me? I didn’t believe it for myself for many many months, if not longer. If you don’t believe it, if you think I’m full of it and I don’t understand, this is what I want you to do.

Eat. Eat whatever you want. You can’t control it anyway so give in to it. And while you’re eating and your breaks in between this is what I want you to think about:

What did this accomplish?

What am I feeling right now?

Do I feel satisfied?

Do I feel comforted?

Have a quelled my desire?

Have I answered any of life’s questions?

Do I feel full?

Do I feel guilty?

Do I still feel out of control?

Have I resolved anything?

Am I any better off now than I was before I ate?

Do I feel better or do I feel worse?

This is probably what you feel – unsatisfied, not full, empty, sad, lonely, out of control, worried, sick to your stomach, guilty, woeful, shameful, sad.

Think about the questions and your answers and how you feel right now. You probably won’t understand right away but after a few times or more than that it’ll start to click.

It doesn’t work.

Binging and eating out of control does nothing. It resolves nothing. It doesn’t help. It provides no comfort, no epiphany, no love. It gives you NOTHING.

This is what it does do – Makes your stomach upset. Makes you feel guilty. Makes you feel weak and un-empowered. Makes you fat. Makes you want to hide. Makes you lose who you are. Makes you invisible. Makes you feel unimportant, uncared for, undeserving.

Dieting is a lot of things. It pisses me off, it annoys me, it disappoints me regularly because of my impatientness. It’s evil and unfair. Working out sucks. It’s not fun. I don’t like to be sweaty. I’d much prefer to be chilling on the couch than trying to push myself to my limits. But dieting and exercise does the exact opposite of everything binging does. You will feel strong and full of vitality and stamina (yes swiped that from John Travolta on Oprah yesterday). You will feel empowered. You will be thin, slowly but you will. You will not want to hide. You will find yourself. You will be noticed. You will realize you are important, you care about yourself immensely (more than you ever dreamed) and you deserve every little thing life has to offer.

It’s simple. It’s a choice. What do you choose?