17 Apr

Okay, I have to share more from this book because, damn, I could have written it!

Ultimately, other people are amateurs compared to me in the horrible things I can say about myself. I cannot even bear to list the things that fill my mind during these episodes of self-loathing. I think we all have our own messages, the tapes that play over and over in our minds, that weaken us, that desecrate the holiness of our lives, that come disguised as a way to motivate ourselves when, really they are all about self-sabotage.

I don’t want to be weary anymore. I don’t want to be my own worst enemy anymore. When I tell myself I am fat, that I have have to work out, I have taken from myself the energy to go out and do it. I feel hurt, bled of life force, and then I must work with that deficit. I give up before I am through because I feel defeated before I even begin.

Self-hatred doesn’t accomplish anything. It destroys everything it touches, comments upon, attacks, judges. No great deity is going to come to you, in those great moments of self-loathing, and rub the dirt from your rosy hobo cheeks and say, “Chin up! It’s not so bad!” I think that was what I was always hoping for, that God would try to prove me wrong; if I hurt myself enough, God would try to stop me. As ridiculous as that sounds, I find that even now after admitting it, it is very hard to let go of that notion.

But I will if you will. Let’s not hate ourselves. We are all we have. We cannot change anything until we accept that. I cannot do this alone. I don’t love myself enough to do it alone, but I can do it if we have a pact, if I am keeping up my end of the bargin.

I have been a longtime perpetrator of hate crimes against myself, and I am turning myself in. I have had enough.

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