Archive | April, 2005

I ate WHAT in one sitting?

28 Apr

One of the positives of this whole new focus on how everyone is fat and going to die and Cookie Monster should probably become Apple Monster thing, is that more places post their nutritional information. With the giant portions that places serve, it’s hard to figure out how much you are really consuming in one trip. While this can be a very frightening information gathering experience, it does shed a giant beacon of blinding light on how I managed to stay this fat for this long.

Let’s take a little journey in to my dining out madness, shall we?

One of my regular places is Pei Wei. It’s quick and tasty Chinese food from the people who brought you PF Changs. I go to Pei Wei probably twice a month on average. They’ve helpfully added nutritional information to their Web site for those of us who want to pay attention to such things. I almost had a heart attack, figuratively and probably a little literally, when I saw how many calories and fat grams I would consume there in one sitting.

Dish Breakdown

Pei Wei Spicy – Stir fried chicken, veggies I never ate, brown rice. Each dish includes 2.5 servings. I usually only ate a little bit of the brown rice (see?? I was trying to be healthy!) and all of the chicken. Dish Total: 985 calories, 33 grams of fat.

Okay, that’s about 3/4 of my required daily calorie intake and about 1/2 of the recommended fat grams. That’s, uh, not good. But it gets worse, oh yes it does.

Blazing Noodles – Wok seared chicken, noodles, veggies I never ate. Again, each dish has 2.5 servings and I ate most of the noodles and all of the chicken. Dish Total: 2125 calories and 56 grams of fat. That’s more than I should eat in a whole day. A LOT more!

Not to mention the fact that I would usually order some Edamame and eat the whole appetizer, which comes to about 204 calories and 6 grams of fat. So there have been days that I have waddled walked out of Pei Wei having eating 2,300 calories in less than 45 minutes.

However painful and frightening this little experiment has been, it has shown me that I can go out to eat and eat things I like. As long as I don’t eat everything in front of me! Now, the Blazing Noodles I can never ever ever have again. First of all, they don’t taste that good for me to waste so much money on something I can only have about 5 bites of. But if I order the Pei Wei Spicy and only eat one serving of it, adding in actual vegetable consumption, and halve the brown rice, I am looking at about 400 calories and 14 grams of fat. Not the best choice of the day but not scale busting.

Another bonus is that I can view the menu ahead of time and make smarter choices. For about the same amount of calories and much less fat, I can having a serving of the Chicken Lettuce Wraps, edamame and a cup of hot & sour soup. All of those things I enjoy! I don’t have to suffer to eat well.

I know none of the concepts are new or revolutionary. In fact, I am sure you could pick up any health magazine or book and find the same sort of advice. But it doesn’t really sink in until you sit down and do the math yourself. Looking at 2,300 total calories is much more eye-opening than any book or advice-giver.

What I’ve got to work on now is actually eating enough calories. I know that sounds a little weird, but since I’ve cut bread, potatoes and pasta out of my diet (for now), I am having a very hard time eating at least 1,200 calories. While I enjoy the benefits of this problem, it could come back to haunt me when I start to incorporate whole grains back in to my diet.

I am experimenting with hunger, with mixed results. In the past, the only time I would feel hunger was when I woke up or if I went all day without eating. Most of the time, I cut my stomach off at the pass and had it filled before I could even think about feeling hunger. Now, I think I might feel it a lot more. It’s not bothering me, really. It doesn’t feel real. It’s odd and not really that uncomfortable.

Like last night, I was sitting at my computer and I thought to myself “I could eat right now!” I sat there and felt that and then didn’t eat. The weird thing? I did not die! It’s almost like a merit badge for me, hunger. If I feel it, I know that I am not stuffing myself at any time during the day and I am controlling myself in the evening. Right now, I am welcoming hunger.

Man, this got a lot longer than I intended. I guess I have a lot on my mind.

25 Apr

Another day under the belt. I am so…something right now. Hungry? I don’t know. I could eat, that’s all I know.

Progress Report

23 Apr

Tomorrow will be 7 days since the Friend’s Wedding breakdown. It’s been an interesting week, to say the least. I had some super stress on Monday and, well, ate a pizza. Yes, a pizza. Not the best way to start the week, I know. It was frightening, honestly. I was crying and a big ol’ mess and all I wanted to do was have some pizza. I wasn’t all that happy that I gave in to that urge.

I also didn’t exercise on any day but Monday. I am not going to make any excuses. I was tired from the stress and I said fuck it. I did weight myself Monday morning, however, and the scale said 212.5. I am not sure how accurate that is, though. I am going to go to the doctor next week and get weighed there and see the difference to get a more accurate total.

Except for Monday and the Sushi I had on Thursday, no bread, no potatoes, nothing of the simple starch variety. A lot of fruit and veggies and lean protien. It hasn’t been that hard, except for that one night. I’ve found that you can it a lot of food if you leave out the carby stuff. I try to plan my meals the night before or the in the morning, inputting everything in the Self food log. Today, I struggled to fit in 1200 calories! This is the food plan for today:

Brunch: I had 3/4 cup of Egg Beaters with one slice of fat free American cheese, two turkey sausauge links and 1/2 a grapefruit with a sprinkle of Splenda.

Snack: 20 baby carrots, dip made with two servings of Laughing Cow Light cheese and 1/2 tbsp Fat Free Ranch dressing.

Lunch: 1 cup cottage cheese with cinnamon, Splenda and almond slices.

Dinner: Curry chicken salad with red grapes. Made with Canola mayo and fat free yogurt. 2 servings of fat free, sugar free chocolate fudge pudding made with skim milk.

That’s a lot of food, yo. Here are my daily totals so far:

4/23/2005: 1173 cal 111g carbs 23g fat 105g protein
4/22/2005: 887 cal 104g carbs 28g fat 64g protein
4/21/2005: 1211 cal 145g carbs 27g fat 98g protein
4/20/2005: 1097 cal 127g carbs 50g fat 41g protein
4/19/2005: 1010 cal 94g carbs 25g fat 108g protein
4/18/2005: 1979 cal 204g carbs 87g fat 119g protein
4/17/2005: 1129 cal 117g carbs 37g fat 73g protein

I weighed myself this morning and it said 209. But official weigh-in isn’t until Monday morning, so we shall see.

18 Apr

Tip of the day: Kozy Shack no sugar pudding is ass. Which I should have been able to figure out by the name Kozy Shack.

I got a wedding invitation this weekend from my best guy friend from high school. He is marrying a lovely lady that I met briefly while I was home. Yay for them!

However, I must confess that it did trigger a small panic attack. He still talks to many of the people that were in our group of friends in high school, which means those people will be at his wedding. I skipped our 10 year reunion, which should tell you how excited I will be to see these people.

I could use it as motivation to continue taking better care of myself, I suppose. And I am in a way. Unfortunately, it’s TWO MONTHS away. Yeah. Not losing 80 pounds in two months.

Part of me wants to be all fuck it! because even if I managed to lose 20 or so pounds, I will still be a fat ass. And much fatter than high school. On the other hand, I would at least like to be looking better than I am right now. For the nine millionth time, I wish for a magic fat-wand.

Another added bonus is the dear-God-I-am-going-to-be-30 and all of the issues I have with that. Don’t get me wrong, I actually like getting older. But the more years that go by that I waste being miserable, the darker the future seems. I already look back on the first third of my life with deep regrets and I cannot imagine what it would be like later if I don’t do something now.

The fact that it is this friend, the one that never dated because he didn’t have time, makes it even more emotional for me. At least I could look at him and say “hey, it’s cool that I’ve never dated! Robb hasn’t either and he is a good looking, nice guy! I am not that big of a loser!” Now I don’t even have that any more.

How selfish of him to decide to get married without consulting me, no?

It all brings me to the inevitable conclusion that I have to do this. I have to. Because time continues to tick away. I don’t get any younger or thinner or happier if I pretend that it isn’t.

So I am making the decision to marry my future self. I am so in love with her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Now all I have to do is find me. And buy a ring.

Slow and steady wins the race, standing still gets you run over

11 Apr

sloth (sl├┤th, slth, slth)

1. Aversion to work or exertion; laziness; indolence.
2. Any of various slow-moving, arboreal, edentate mammals of the family Bradypodidae of South and Central America, having long hooklike claws by which they hang upside down from tree branches and feeding on leaves, buds, and fruits.

I don’t have claws and I don’t ever hang upside down, but that about sums up my life at the moment. My butt hurts from sitting so much. How fucked up is that?

I’ve been writing in this stupid thing more than two fucking years. I don’t have much to show for it, honestly. I’ve probably lost a total of, oh, 6 pounds during that time. At that rate, I’ll be at my goal AFTER I’M DEAD!

One accomplishment that I never ever ever thought I would actually be able to do is give up Coca Cola and I have. It’s weird to be proud of something like that, but it’s true. I can’t even remember that last time I had any. Okay, if you count those frozen Coke things at the movies, it was about 6 months ago. But I don’t. Heh. Seriously, though. I used to drink, like, 6 cans a day! To go from that to not ever buying it is amazing to me. If I cut out the occasional Mountain Dew purchase, I would be completely off the sugar-soda.

So I guess I’ve done a few things right. But I am still not exercising and still using food as a crutch. It’s very scary, staring at 30 right in the face and not being the kind of person I want to be. I’ve pretty much wasted 1/3 of my life being fat and miserable.

I have such a hard time living in the moment, for today. All I can see is the poundage and time that stretches out before me. It overwhelms me, freezes me in fear. I can read as many success stories as I want and find the perfect food plans to eat, but it comes down to actually doing it. Not because I want to be Orlando Bloom’s next girlfriend, but because I deserve a better life.

Oprah, gods love her, says you have to decide to make a change. Very much like my favorite Yoda quote: Do or do not. There is no try. I am a habitual trier, and not a very diligent one at that. The most important thing is to stop lying to myself and decide.