Archive | May, 2005

Down the rabbit hole

31 May

I must have fallen in to another dimension this morning. Some women I work with, all of them much thinner than I, have started asking me about the food plan I am on. They’re all impressed with my success and want to try out what I am doing.

When did I become a health guru??

The mind boggles, really. I guess I can understand because 20lbs (yes, I officially hit the magic 2-0 yesterday!) in a month and a half is pretty impressive. But I don’t think someone that weighs a lot less than I do will have such immediate success. Adrienne used to royally piss me off when she would wine about how I burned more calories and lost weight faster than her 135 pound ass. Of course I do. I have 20 times the amount of weight to lose. Oy.

Anyway, it’s weird, but in a good way. If you had asked me what losing 20 pounds would feel like, I don’t think this is how I would describe it. One would think that amount of weight would bump me down a size and make half my wardrobe obsolete. Or at least get rid of one of my chins. Alas, this is not the case. One of the unfortunate side effects of my tendency to gain all my weight around my middle is that it’s a little hard for *me* to see the changes. When I look in the mirror, I don’t look all that different. A few pairs of pants are less snug, but that’s about all I’ve noticed so far.

Some people have commented on the loss. I believe some of them more than others. At a cocktail party on Friday, at which I ate much more than I should have, someone I hadn’t seen in probably two years said that she thought I had lost a significant amount. And the husband of one of my coworkers noticed, too. Of course, he didn’t say it directly to me because such things frighten men most of the time. But his wife was kind enough to pass it on. Heh. I believe that more than people I see every day thinking that they need to say things to keep me motivated.

I am still waiting for the hard part. I haven’t been inclined to run off to Burger King or stuff my face with Cheetos yet. I think it helps that I had that vacation and then my little lapse at the party the other night. My vacation taught me that I can live like a normal person and still eat right. And the party reminded me that I still have a long way to go when it comes to restraint. I am somewhere in the middle of where I want to be. It’s much more comfortable for me to think of the future with that in mind, but it also keeps me motivated to keep trying.

The 20lbs helps, too. I’ve never lost this much weight. Ever. (It’s 30 if you factor in my heighest recorded weight!) So whenever I think that an extra helping would be good, I remind myself of all the good I’ve done and the slippery slope that is the extra helping. Extra helpings lead to chips in the house which leads to pizzas ordered and chocolate cookies consumed. It’s good to be comfortable but not *too* comfortable.

I’ve finally started working out. I am planning to take it slowly because I don’t want to get discouraged. I did extra work yesterday and I am paying for it today. I plan on getting up tomorrow. Or I should say I *will* get up tomorrow and get it over with. I wish I didn’t like sleep so damn much. It would make life a lot easier.

I’ve got a little over three weeks before I am headed home. I’d like to knock out ten more pounds before I go. I should be able to swing that if I keep the whole grains in check and kick the exercise up a notch. I can’t get down on myself if I don’t hit some arbitrary number, though. The journey is half the battle. Or some rational shit like that.

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25 May

Ha! Dinner turned out to be quite tasty! Shows you what I know.

Some whine with those beans?

25 May

It’s one of those days. You know, where nothing healthy sounds good and all you want to do is eat some chips and dip and be done with it? Yeah. That kind. I don’t WANT anymore chicken or green beans, dammit. But I am not feeling energetic enough to whip up something more complicated. *sigh*

I really need to use this holiday weekend to recharge and reassess. I am still losing but I haven’t been able to muster up the energy to work out. And I need to. Not just for the weight but, damn, to feel alive and involved. Because lately? BLAH!

The weather isn’t helping. I can hardly breath, it’s so hot outside.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, that’s all I am going to allow myself. So now endeth the whiney post. It’s time for chicken and green beans! Horrah!

Young at Heart

24 May

I’ve received a little flack for my current lifestyle-change motivation. Some people find it amusing and strange that I would be spurred in to action by a wedding invitation, when a diabetes scare, doctor’s orders and size 20 pants had no effect.

I can understand this misconception because I was wondering the same thing. But after examining it a little deeper, I came to a different conclusion. Time has apparently caught up with me.

In my head, I seem to be stuck at 16. I don’t feel all that different. I’m smarter, more experienced and all that sort of thing. But other than that, teenie. What this wedding and the eye cream I am religiously using represent is that I am getting older and all that time that I kept telling myself I had to figure things out is slipping away.

I don’t want to be 40 and realize another ten years has passed me by and all the opportunities that come with being 32 are never going to be available to me. I have to live with not dating in high school. And college. And, you know, now. And I have to deal with not wearing the prettiest dress to prom and spending my college years in baggy sweatshirts and jeans while my friends wore teeny sparkly shirts. All of that, I will carry with me forever. And it’s getting heavy. Heavier than the extra weight and the threat of dying young. I am afraid to get old and regret any more than I already do.

So, this wedding is more of a wake-up call than I would have expected. But it’s there. And it sort of worked.

Great Expectations

23 May

So, when did only losing a pound and a half become a disappointment? When did I cross that line of insanity, I ask you!

It’s not really disappointment, per se, just sort of a curiosity as to why. It’s my first week back from vacation where, even though I ate some things that were not on the good for you list, I still lost a pound. That, I understood. But I didn’t eat any fried stuff last week! I didn’t have any chocolate! Okay, that’s a lie. I had a few chocolates. And a Subway sandwhich on wheat bread. And some brown rice. And, uh, I didn’t eat breakfast on, like, three days.

Maybe I am not so curious after all.

I am going to blame it on the not-eating-breakfast for now. Because I had one serving of chocolate spread out over the whole week. And the brown rice was a cup that was spread out over three days. But I know that if I am going to bring back the carbs, whole grain or not, I’ve got to start exercising. This fills me with dread.

See, I know that I am going to have to do that for the rest of my life. The eating thing, I’ve sort of settled in to that. I’ve reached the point of acceptance where I am never again going to have the freedom to eat whatever I want. I’ve done it for almost 30 years. The next 30 will have to be different.

But for some reason, I am not ready to accept the exercising! I like to sleep in! I like goofing off on the computer and watching TV! Working out seriously cuts in to my time, yo. And unlike the food stuff, it seems to stretch endlessly out before me. Eventually, I’ll be running 12 miles a day and I won’t ever see my cats!

Yes, yes. I know I am being fatalistic and doing the overwhelming thing to myself again. I guess if I got past it with the food, I can do it with the exercise. My new Nikes should be here today, so I am hoping that will lend me a little extra motivation. Of course, it doesn’t help that I have left a ton of my graphic design coursework for the last minute and I’ll be spending all week trying desperately to catch up.

I read a quote from Oprah in People this weekend (no, I didn’t buy it! I browsed while at work!) where she talked about this awesome red dress she had designed for her to wear to her 25 influential women party. She said that the way she felt in that dress, knowing that she looked fantastic and felt fabulous, made all of the getting up in the morning and sweating through the pain worth it. I believe her. I believe I will feel that way too. But there is still that little fat bitch in my brain who nags at me and tells me that I’ll appreciate the extra hour of sleep more than fitting in to any dress.

I’ve got to figure out how to shut her up. One of these days I will learn. I think.

One’s not the loneliest number

19 May

There was a 1 in front of my weight when I jumped on the scale this morning. I honestly can’t remember the last time I saw that. It’s not official, as Mondays are the days it gets written down for posterity. But it was certainly nice to see. Especially since the last few days have been kind of rough.

I haven’t made any giant missteps but I did have a Subway sandwich with BREAD yesterday AND a bowl of Bran Chex. The carb cravings were hitting me pretty strong but I think it was more out of a need for some more fiber than anything. I had to fight through it pretty hard, especially when I was at Subway and trying to convince myself that a little bag of Doritos was no big deal. *L* So I went home and had a bowl of pizza (sauce, cheese, turkey pepperoni) and felt a little better. 3/4 of a comfort food is better than none at all, right?

I am going to have popcorn when I go see Revenge of the Sith tomorrow, dammit. It’s the last Star Wars ever and I think that is cause for celebration. And if I don’t put butter on it, it’s really not that bad of a snack, all things considered. However, I will not be buying any chocolately peanutbuttery stuff to go with, no matter how good those things are together. A girl has to have her limits, no?

The next step in my plan is to slooooowly add whole grains back in to my diet once a day for a start. Either a piece of toast with breakfast or brown rice with dinner. I might even gives some soba noodles or bulgur a try. But this also means my calorie intake will go up, so I can’t really avoid the exercising any longer. I know, I know! Can’t do it with out the exercise. But I am still fighting the lazy and I don’t want to push myself too much because I get overwhelmed and then I give up. However, I’ve got my new shoes coming, so once they get here, I won’t really have any more excuses!

30 minutes past hungry

17 May

I do a little exercise in restraint these days. If I think I feel hungry, I wait at least 30 minutes before I do anything about it. No, I am not a masochist. I am just trying to get used to the feeling. Well, used to being comfortable being hungry. For most people, I think that is a bit odd. No one likes being hungry, true. But the emptiness that accompanies it, for me, is some sort slippery slope in to binging and depression. I can’t remember when that actually started. It seems like it’s been that way forever.

As a somewhat mature adult, one would think I could rationalize my way through those feelings. After all, I am not even close to being in a place where I am should fear starving. Of course, that’s not really it. It’s the emptiness. The absence of comfort, which I rely on food to provide, when I should look to other things. So I sit and wait and wallow in the empty until I can do it without panicking and move on. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I’ve talked about this before but I repeat to remind myself that I am still doing it.

I learned yesterday that even have some whole wheat cereal in the house makes for serious self control issues. Who knew that crunchy would be my downfall? I only bought it because it was onsale at the Whole Paycheck and the sample was tasty. But I crave that crunchy sort of thing too much, and I obviously can’t be trusted with it. It makes me sad in away, right now, because eating a handful of tortilla chips with salsa would not derail my progress in the slightest. But I know if I had them in my house, a handful would turn in to a cup full, which would lead to a bowlful and then, wow, the whole bag is gone!

So I’ll work on the getting used to being hungry and maybe one day I can move on to self control.

Another thing I was thinking about today, is my very supportive friends and family. I do love them dearly and without them, I would not be able to do this sort of thing. But sometimes, they just don’t get it. Please don’t talk to me like I am four year old who just drew a picture of a house when I update you on my progress. Ooooh, that is so greaaaaaaaaaaaaat, you are doing so gooooooooooooood. I mean, I understand that as a non-fat person, you don’t quite get how I got to be this gigantic sloth and that sometimes you think I might be a little retarded because of it. But really. I do not ride any sort of short bus and I am not, last time I checked, under the age of five. So can we shoot for a different tone next time? Great. Thanks.

Yeah, I am an ungrateful snot. But I am also an ungrateful snot that hasn’t had pasta in a month. Work with me here!