30 minutes past hungry

17 May

I do a little exercise in restraint these days. If I think I feel hungry, I wait at least 30 minutes before I do anything about it. No, I am not a masochist. I am just trying to get used to the feeling. Well, used to being comfortable being hungry. For most people, I think that is a bit odd. No one likes being hungry, true. But the emptiness that accompanies it, for me, is some sort slippery slope in to binging and depression. I can’t remember when that actually started. It seems like it’s been that way forever.

As a somewhat mature adult, one would think I could rationalize my way through those feelings. After all, I am not even close to being in a place where I am should fear starving. Of course, that’s not really it. It’s the emptiness. The absence of comfort, which I rely on food to provide, when I should look to other things. So I sit and wait and wallow in the empty until I can do it without panicking and move on. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I’ve talked about this before but I repeat to remind myself that I am still doing it.

I learned yesterday that even have some whole wheat cereal in the house makes for serious self control issues. Who knew that crunchy would be my downfall? I only bought it because it was onsale at the Whole Paycheck and the sample was tasty. But I crave that crunchy sort of thing too much, and I obviously can’t be trusted with it. It makes me sad in away, right now, because eating a handful of tortilla chips with salsa would not derail my progress in the slightest. But I know if I had them in my house, a handful would turn in to a cup full, which would lead to a bowlful and then, wow, the whole bag is gone!

So I’ll work on the getting used to being hungry and maybe one day I can move on to self control.

Another thing I was thinking about today, is my very supportive friends and family. I do love them dearly and without them, I would not be able to do this sort of thing. But sometimes, they just don’t get it. Please don’t talk to me like I am four year old who just drew a picture of a house when I update you on my progress. Ooooh, that is so greaaaaaaaaaaaaat, you are doing so gooooooooooooood. I mean, I understand that as a non-fat person, you don’t quite get how I got to be this gigantic sloth and that sometimes you think I might be a little retarded because of it. But really. I do not ride any sort of short bus and I am not, last time I checked, under the age of five. So can we shoot for a different tone next time? Great. Thanks.

Yeah, I am an ungrateful snot. But I am also an ungrateful snot that hasn’t had pasta in a month. Work with me here!

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