It’s a very complicated formula

14 Jun

I did not gain any weight last week. Woo? I think that’s bad. Bad bad bad. I should have gained weight. I ate an ASSLOAD of the crapiest crap that ever crapped. No gain. There should be more consequences for binging on deep-fried w-shaped tater tots. Balls of fat should spontaniously appear on the side of my face or something. Okay, maybe not quite that bad.

The point is, I feel like I got away with something and that’s never ever good. Because my drive and my self-control is tightly linked to the rewards that come with the sacrifices. If I don’t make sacrifices and I come out unscathed, the bitchy fat girl in my head gets louder and the healthy me starts to listen to her. That is never, ever good, people. Ever. I suppose I should thank my lucky moons and consider this a learning experience. But I am never mature like that.

And not only did I have the tots from hades, I had a nice planned bingey weekend. I bought some dip and some chips and pizza fixins. It was a grand ol’ time. I almost found it amusing, however, that I couldn’t bring myself to buy the actual horrible food I used to snarf on, so that’s a step in the right direction. I made myself look at the nutritional label of everything I *wanted* and I couldn’t bring myself to eat a 2,000 calorie pizza. That’s not something I would have turned down in the past. The dip was relatively healthy compared to other choices, the chips were baked and low-fat and the pizza crust was spelt, with turkey pepperoni and low-fat cheese. I barely went over my calorie limit, yet still stuffed my face.

Again, not exactly what I need or want to be doing right now. But at least I’ve trained myself to choose smarter. It’s a step in the right direction. The next step should be avoiding the binging all together. Baby steps, yo.

I had another incident with Mommy!Co-worker yesterday. I was having some chips with my tortilla-less burrito and she was like “what are you eating?? I thought those weren’t on your diet?!?” and then followed it up with some pouty-mommy faces. Gah. I made sure to input them in to my food diary, I only ate one serving and I had the calorie and carbs to do so. I mean, I skipped the lucious and chewy goodness of the flour tortilla that used to lovingly cradle my burriton, let me have some FUCKING chips.

Think I need have a chat with her? Maybe just a little.


2 Responses to “It’s a very complicated formula”

  1. Wendy June 15, 2005 at 1:50 pm #

    tater tots…

    wait, look away from the tots! get back to the healthy food, girlie!

  2. Sara June 15, 2005 at 2:19 pm #

    I have had that happen in the past and then I get all confident that i can enjoy the sinful food all the time. Eventually it catches up to me and I get very angry with myself for even thinking that I would always be able to eat so poorly.

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