Out of the closet

16 Jun

If I had a nickel for every time the contents of my closet has made me cry, I could pay someone to lose my weight for me. There is really nothing worse than having plans and having nothing to wear. This shirt is too tight but if I tug on it, maybe I will be comfortable for a few minutes. If I lay down, I can probably get these pants zipped. I am sure no one will notice that the buttons on this blouse are about to pop. I repeated that experience more times than I can count. There were nights when I tried on 10 shirts, minimum. Of course, none of them worked because it didn’t matter what I wore. Just looking at myself in the mirror was traumatic.

Yesterday, I had my first *positive* closet experience. I have to admit, that I don’t really notice much change in myself. Some pants are a little baggie and I guess shirts fit differently. But I am not a size 6 yet or anything, so the change is slow. On a lark, I decided to try on a shirt that I’d never been able to wear before. I am sure I am not the only one who owns clothing that fit in the dressing room but doesn’t quite once it gets home. You were sucking in your gut and standing ramrod straight and it was a thin day. But now it gaps or strains across your chest. So it sits in the closet until you get the courage to try it on.

I grabbed one of those shirts, took a deep breath and put it on. The shirt? Was too big. I just stood there and pulled on it and stared at it in the mirror. I got a little thrill and a kick of confidence. The next thing I did was grab one of my “party” shirts from college. It was one that I bought because it was sparkly and it fit okay. It was stretchy material so if I tugged on it throughout the night, I could deal with it.

Another deep breath and I pulled the shirt over my head. It was actually loose on me! That’s when the tears came. I have no idea why that is what got me but it did. Just the concept that I am thinner than I was six years ago is a little daunting. As someone who has never lost more than 5 pounds at a time, the ramifications of 21 pounds was a bit overwhelming.

So I wore the shirt to work because I couldn’t get enough of that thrill! It wasn’t even really a professional-ish work shirt, but I didn’t care. *l* So when I got home today, I poked around to find something else to try on. This time. a dress that I wore once and made the mistake of washing and drying it, rendering it too tight to wear. It’s barely wearable now. A bit baggy in the chest and the sides, even. I cried even harder today because I got that dress during a totally shitty time in my life and I love the fact that I am a thinner and happier version of that person. Who is totally wearing that dress to work tomorrow. Heh.

This happened at a good time because the last two weeks have been difficult. I’ve been making excuses for eating bad things. I was feeling cocky and I fell in to that trap of wanting to reward myself or be “normal” because I had been so successful. I am glad a *positive* shock was available instead of a depressing weight gain.

Next, we try some cheap jeans I found on Gap.com that I bought a size smaller than what I was currently wearing. We shall see. If they don’t fit now, I am fine with that. Sixty dollar jeans for $20 are a nice thing to work towards, if you ask me.

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4 Responses to “Out of the closet”

  1. Sara June 16, 2005 at 8:20 pm #

    My first time around, when I got back down to a size I hadn’t worn in 3 years, I cried when I HAD to buy new pants. This time I think I will cry when I manage to get back into them comfortably.

  2. Trish June 17, 2005 at 3:32 pm #

    This was a nice post to read, it is nice to have positive reinforcement from our closets 🙂

    Congrats on your successes to date!

  3. Itty-Bitty Me June 18, 2005 at 1:13 am #

    Oh, I am so happy for you!! *hugs* Your post has raised my spirits quite a bit. It is so nice to hear of things going RIGHT for someone.

    Me, I’m still eyeballing that shirt that is folded up in the bottom of my drawer. One day I may have the courage……….. lol

  4. Kerri June 21, 2005 at 3:29 am #

    Hi. Found you via Mo at Mr. Ointy. Great blog! I’ve lost 41 pounds and am doing a mini triathlon in 3 weeks. Holy shit! Sorry, every time I type that I freak out a little. Anyhoo, I can completely relate to your closet experience. Isn’t it cooler than the coolest thing ever to put on those “milestone” pieces of clothing from your past and realize how far you’ve come? Great work — keep it up. It’s friggin’ hard, but really, really worth it.

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