Archive | July, 2005

Subversive synapses

13 Jul

Well, look at that! It’s been awhile since I’ve updated. I’d like to pretend it’s because I am big in Singapore now and it’s gone to my head but that, unfortunately, is not it.

I am having some sort of delayed vacation reaction and it’s seriously messing with my head. I mean, I did okay while I was away. A two-pound loss is practically ten when compared with the usual holiday weight issues, no? But, you see, I didn’t deserve it. I ate badly. No, I mean it. I had french fries. TWICE! And pizza. Lots of pizza. In fact, one day? I had fries and pizza at the same time. Even worse, I snuck off by myself to have these things. In front of other people? I was an angel.

But, oh, when I got time alone. Lord. I ate all of those things I used to live for in my darkest days. Pepperoni calzone from Ruggeros, please. I used to have that almost every day when I went to school in Flint. And let me tell you, those were the dark dark darkest days. Someday, I might tell that story but we don’t know each other well enough yet. Heh. And then there was the Halo Burger. Fried chicken sandwhich with mayo and cheese. Mayo and cheese, people. It was like binge city.

And I was so very conscious of what I was doing, too. That might have been the worst part. It was very “I am going to go eat this and then eat that and that and be completely and totally stuffed to the point of nausea and I am going to do it in secret!”

And then to come home and have gotten away with it? To have lost weight when I should have gained? Well, a normal person would have thanked whatever Goddess had arranged that and moved on with the healthy. But not me. No, no. I have to find the craziest most fucked up way to deal with it. Let’s see how much I can get away with without gaining! Oooh. Hashbrowns. Sub sandwhiches not from the Jared-approved Subway menu. Hell, last night I ordered more of those stupid W-shaped tater tots from Pizza Hut! All of these acts totally and completely conscious.

Even worse, being away for awhile must have made the weight loss more noticable. I haven’t gone a day yet without getting a positive comment. AND I KEEP FUCKING EATING! Right now? I seriously want to go to my favorite Chinese place, to which I have not been in 4 months, and have my favorite thing on the menu. There is fried batterness and sweet-sticky sauce involved there, plus some fried cheesy stuff. And I am *thisclose* to doing it. Even though I am here, in this place that has been so positive and helpful, talking about it ahead of time.

It makes no sense. I know that I have the power to not give in. I’ve proved it with months and months of work. I am more successful than ever before. Yet I cannot. stop. eating.

I guess it comes down to the core issues that got me here in the first place. The safety that I feel with all of the extra weight. The feelings of worthlessness, that I don’t deserve to be happier. The long and difficult road that I see stretched out before me. Eh, a few pounds is nice but, damn girl, you are still fat.

I am also very aware that when I don’t get enough time by myself and get behind on things like work and laundry and the like, I am much more likely to lock down in avoidance mode and stuff my face. I ride the wave of depression with a romance novel clutched in one hand and a slice of pizza in the other. It’s stupid and pointless but it’s what I know. And I can see that other me. The one that had all the success. She is standing off to the side, twitling her thumbs and entering all the food I am eating in an imaginary diary (because, hello? who has time to do the real thing when there are tater tots to eat?!?!).

I gotta get her and my lame-fatty self in the same room. I think, just maybe, she’d win a fight if I gave her the chance. But right now, I just want some damn General’s chicken and an egg roll.

7 Jul

Yes, I am still here. Still recovering from my vacation. I have a lot I want to talk about but not enough energy to get it all out. I somehow managed to lose 2 pounds while I was gone. I am sure that is a giant mistake and soon 8 pounds will appear on the scale in the coming weeks. I almost didn’t write it down or change my tracker because it’s so unbelievable to me.

Oh, and I took this survey thingie. You should, too.

Take the MIT Weblog Survey

All aboard!

4 Jul

Next time I travel? I am totally taking a train.

Generally, my last day at home is rather pleasant and relaxing. My dad and I hang out in the morning and then have a leisurely lunch before it’s time for me to fly out. But not this time. This time, my mother decided she wanted to have lunch with me and drop me off at the airport.

It started out okay. As well as gathering with my mother can go, really. Until we actually got to the airport. Once we were seated comfortably to wait to go through security (we were there way early, so we sat and chatted for awhile), mom decides it’s time to have a talk.

It began innocent enough. A few comments about my hair. You see, when I travel, I generally don’t give a damn what I look like. I am always tired and I am never looking forward to hours spent on planes and in airports. My hair and makeup are the last things on my mind. Also, I’ve been growing my hair out and recently, I have been putting it up in a little bun to get it out of my face. Well, mother doesn’t like the bun. The bun isn’t flattering. I will never get married and have children and I will die alone with 57 cats if I keep wearing my hair in a bun!

I wish I was kidding.

Then she started in with metaphorical yammering about how sprucing yourself up was like advertising and I basically just tried to block her out. Then? Then she started crying over the fact that I am going to die alone with 57 cats. She just knows that I am aching to get married and knows that I am lonely, blah blah mothercakes. This went on for a good ten minutes. Her bemoaning my single status, me telling her I was okay with where I am.

I have to admit that right now, the kind of guy I am looking for would not find me attractive. I don’t think I would trust a guy who took one look at me and wanted to get to know me better. I know that might sound a little weird, but there it is. I will admit to allllll of you reading that I have, in fact, never been on a date. Does this bother me? Of course it does. Could I have gone on dates? Sure. If I don’t mind my men a few decades older and a few missing teeth.

But I kid. Sort of. Really, it’s just that I am still not in a place where I really know myself and the idea of getting in to a relationship right now is a bit more to chew than I am willing to bite off. Ahem.

Anyway, after my mother’s lecture, I headed through security and waited for my plane to board. And wouldn’t you know it? A hot guy was my seat mate. A hot guy in a Red Wings hat. And an iPod. And really sexy hands.

I must say that I appreciate my karmic bitchslaps to be pleasing to the eye. But it didn’t make it any easier. Of course on today, of all days, after listening to my mom go on about it, I have to sit next to a hot guy I would totally want to date.

Checking in

3 Jul

Whoa. I go on vacation and all sorts of things happen while I am away! So, hello to anyone who got here from some mention of me in a paper. I am completely in the dark about that!

I am not going to talk about what I have been eating because, well, I don’t want to! Let’s just say, it hasn’t been the best. However, I think the trip has been a positive experience and I hope that I can use that to be inspired and work harder when I get back home. I don’t have any major plans or things to do until October, so it’s a lot of time to just focus on what I need to be doing.

Anyway, thanks for all of the comments! I appreciate the support. Also, it seems I am starting to get spam comments. Any suggestions on how to get rid of that?