Subversive synapses

13 Jul

Well, look at that! It’s been awhile since I’ve updated. I’d like to pretend it’s because I am big in Singapore now and it’s gone to my head but that, unfortunately, is not it.

I am having some sort of delayed vacation reaction and it’s seriously messing with my head. I mean, I did okay while I was away. A two-pound loss is practically ten when compared with the usual holiday weight issues, no? But, you see, I didn’t deserve it. I ate badly. No, I mean it. I had french fries. TWICE! And pizza. Lots of pizza. In fact, one day? I had fries and pizza at the same time. Even worse, I snuck off by myself to have these things. In front of other people? I was an angel.

But, oh, when I got time alone. Lord. I ate all of those things I used to live for in my darkest days. Pepperoni calzone from Ruggeros, please. I used to have that almost every day when I went to school in Flint. And let me tell you, those were the dark dark darkest days. Someday, I might tell that story but we don’t know each other well enough yet. Heh. And then there was the Halo Burger. Fried chicken sandwhich with mayo and cheese. Mayo and cheese, people. It was like binge city.

And I was so very conscious of what I was doing, too. That might have been the worst part. It was very “I am going to go eat this and then eat that and that and be completely and totally stuffed to the point of nausea and I am going to do it in secret!”

And then to come home and have gotten away with it? To have lost weight when I should have gained? Well, a normal person would have thanked whatever Goddess had arranged that and moved on with the healthy. But not me. No, no. I have to find the craziest most fucked up way to deal with it. Let’s see how much I can get away with without gaining! Oooh. Hashbrowns. Sub sandwhiches not from the Jared-approved Subway menu. Hell, last night I ordered more of those stupid W-shaped tater tots from Pizza Hut! All of these acts totally and completely conscious.

Even worse, being away for awhile must have made the weight loss more noticable. I haven’t gone a day yet without getting a positive comment. AND I KEEP FUCKING EATING! Right now? I seriously want to go to my favorite Chinese place, to which I have not been in 4 months, and have my favorite thing on the menu. There is fried batterness and sweet-sticky sauce involved there, plus some fried cheesy stuff. And I am *thisclose* to doing it. Even though I am here, in this place that has been so positive and helpful, talking about it ahead of time.

It makes no sense. I know that I have the power to not give in. I’ve proved it with months and months of work. I am more successful than ever before. Yet I cannot. stop. eating.

I guess it comes down to the core issues that got me here in the first place. The safety that I feel with all of the extra weight. The feelings of worthlessness, that I don’t deserve to be happier. The long and difficult road that I see stretched out before me. Eh, a few pounds is nice but, damn girl, you are still fat.

I am also very aware that when I don’t get enough time by myself and get behind on things like work and laundry and the like, I am much more likely to lock down in avoidance mode and stuff my face. I ride the wave of depression with a romance novel clutched in one hand and a slice of pizza in the other. It’s stupid and pointless but it’s what I know. And I can see that other me. The one that had all the success. She is standing off to the side, twitling her thumbs and entering all the food I am eating in an imaginary diary (because, hello? who has time to do the real thing when there are tater tots to eat?!?!).

I gotta get her and my lame-fatty self in the same room. I think, just maybe, she’d win a fight if I gave her the chance. But right now, I just want some damn General’s chicken and an egg roll.

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11 Responses to “Subversive synapses”

  1. neca July 13, 2005 at 5:06 pm #

    I have written a lot of posts in my blog about the fact that once I get to a certain point I eat so I won’t go any lower. It has taken some work, but once I figured out why I was afraid of weighing less than xxx, I could deal with it.

    I dunno if you can relate to that or not, but that’s what your post made me think about.

  2. The Troescher Team July 13, 2005 at 5:59 pm #

    Ditto. My whole blog is about the unconscious fantasies that prevent one from losing weight or keeping it off. I think for some of us it really is more of a head game than a diet and exercise problem. I know that I am filled with fear. I don’t know all the reasons why, but I know that each pound I lose is a fearful step in the direction of finding it. It’s very, very hard, and requires the most deliberate, conscious decision, made daily, sometimes hourly, to keep going. Hang in there!

  3. Cindy July 13, 2005 at 7:04 pm #

    Learn from my mistake. I did the same thing after vacation last year. My bad eating habits lasted for a year and packed back on 29 lbs. I guess I finally stopped because I refused to let it get to 30.

  4. Mamato2boys July 13, 2005 at 7:07 pm #

    I hope that you are able to turn the day around. I have been where you are and I have found that compliments are almost a sure fire way to send me to a binge. I haven’t totally figured out how to stop that. A work in progress I guess. Hang in there give yourself a hug and maybe a bubble bath and take care!
    Ang

  5. Anonymous July 13, 2005 at 8:11 pm #

    I’ve been there too. Here’s what you need to do: stop beating yourself up about decisions that are in the past. Just forget the tater tots. It happened. It’s over. Make positive decisions from this moment forward! For example, right now, if you aren’t stuck at work, go out and buy some fruits and veggies, and then eat a few servings. Walk to the store to get them if you can. If you do these two simple things, those will be two positives for the day. Forget about the tots, pizza, whatever! Focus on the fruits, veggies, and walk! You have to mentally reward yourself for good decisions far more than you flog yourself for bad decisions. Once I realized this I was a much happier person. Literally give yourself applause when you make a positive choice! When you make a poor choice, forgive yourself quickly and move on. You should already be putting your vacation transgressions out of your mind. If you want to bolster your self-esteem even more, just think of what a great writer you are, and how you are helping other by providing an honest take on weight loss to others in your situation. Oh boy, hope I wasn’t too preachy there. Anyway, best of luck to you!

  6. Gina July 15, 2005 at 10:20 pm #

    I have no idea what you are talking about. I have never put a morsel in my mouth without checking with my exchange lists, first.

    *leaving fantasy land now*

    Ya know, if it really was as simple as eating less/moving more dieting wouldn’t be a gazillion dollar industry. I wish I had something brilliant to say. I don’t.

    I will say that this getting healthy thing is hard work – and most of it is mental/emotional. Writing about it is probably the best thing you can do.

    Well, that, and not eating your goal weight in deep-fried, sugar-glazed chicken. Though, it really does sound yummy…

  7. Sara July 19, 2005 at 1:05 pm #

    Clearly this is almost every “fat girls” dilema. How do thinner people do it? I see people all the time eating junk food and not gaining weight. I want to know their secret – do they exercise obsessively, deny themselves for the rest of the day, what? Maybe if I can figure that out I will have a new way to deal with my binges. I honestly hope it doesn’t involve purging though, I am not into that at all!

  8. Gretchen July 21, 2005 at 9:48 pm #

    I totally relate to you and neca. I have a mental block about weighing anything less than 200. I got down to 211 once (actually twice) and couldn’t go any lower for a mystical reason. I’m just trying to look myself in the eye each day and say ” What I’m gaining is more important than missing that food.” (Mine is Mexican) It works about 70% of the time I’m still in the middle of the mindf**k of trying to get myself skinny.

  9. hopefulloser September 17, 2005 at 10:47 pm #

    Just like everyone else, I’m with you. I’m nervous that when I take away the excuse I’ve used for not being happy (my weight) I’ll have to deal with other real issues that are making me unhappy. It’s easier to deal with the weight than an unhappy marriage or an unsatisfying job. (those are my real deals)
    Damn it!

    Good luck on turning it around and getting a hold of it before it gets the best of you.

  10. Mary November 19, 2005 at 6:09 pm #

    Sara’s right; thinner people do have a secret, and it doesn’t involve purging: If you never under-eat, you’ll never overeat.

  11. Sexy Phat Chick January 10, 2006 at 12:45 am #

    hello yoyo gurl!! i stumbled across your blog about a week ago and fell in love with reading it. you have a way of expressing the very stuff i think of all the time. so, i decided to create my own. i cheated a little and decided to use the weight counter thing from three fat chicks, hope you dont mind. i noticed that you havent been on here for some time. i really hope you come back. best regards from Fatty Fatkins

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