ctrl-alt-delete

19 Apr

I don’t know if it’s dramatic irony or just coincidence but I started updating this thing regularly *last* March as well. I’d just found out about a friend’s upcoming wedding and it really boosted me in to gear. The upside is I only weigh 13lbs more now than I did at this time last year. Oh, wait. That’s not an upside at all!

I thought I’d experienced everything a Fat Girl could experience but I was wrong. I now know what it’s like to be successful and have people notice it and then see those same people all the time and be completely appalled at what I know they are seeing. Those 30ish pounds I lost last year were the most significant of my life. I felt so good and I was so proud of myself. And then it all went to shit. It’s a first for me to have that much success and then screw up. I’m more of a lose five pounds and then give up type of girl.

It’s a bit like that saying about loving and losing or never having loved, blah blah whatever. I think both ways suck, honestly. I kind of wish I didn’t know what it was like to be able to wear smaller jeans and have people notice. On the other hand, at least it’s out there and I know if I give it effort, I can do it and after awhile, it’s not that hard. The getting started is the hardest part for me and I just need to figure out how to break through and do it. I mean, I know how, really. My problem is always in the doing part.

I contacted a therapist that supposedly specializes in obesity issues. It was weird trying to Google for a doctor or therapist that focused on the fat. The majority of the links I got were for surgery and I don’t even want to think about that. But she seemed to be genuine about it, so I e-mailed her. Of course, I haven’t heard back yet but I am trying. I understand that part of the reason I fell off the wagon, so to speak, was because I was only dealing with my food issues and not with all the reasons I want to overeat. For those of you out there who always say that you don’t have emotional issues, you just don’t move enough and you make bad food choices, well, I envy you because I am very not that at all. So I’ve got to make sure I keep my depression under control because I cannot deal with both eating better/exercising AND not wanting to get out of bed. Just not going to work.

Am I depressed because I am fat or am I fat because I am depressed? It’s a bit chicken before the egg. It doesn’t really matter because I don’t have one without the other in the end. If I am not depressed, I am less likely to be fat. If I am not fat, I am less likely to be depressed. They go hand in hand.

Can I talk in any more clichés? I bet I can.

Anyway! The point is I am stuck in a rut (and my desk chair) and I’ve got to get out of it or the cycle of depression-pizza-pizza-depression will never ever end.

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3 Responses to “ctrl-alt-delete”

  1. Xena April 20, 2006 at 3:37 pm #

    I hope the therapy will be helpful, once you find someone to help you. Good for you for at least posting and considering getting back on track – it’s a step in the right direction. The initial momentum is the hardest to get going. I’m with you on the “plan the crap out of it and then not do anything that I planned” boat.

  2. PN April 20, 2006 at 4:31 pm #

    You know, this might not make you feel that much better, but at least you are facing up to these issues right from the start! I lost weight and then was forced to realize that it hadn’t solved all my problems magically and that I did have many other issues to work through. So in a way you’re already ahead of the game. I’m rooting for you! And thanks for posting on my blog – it’s nice to know someone is listening.
    Elizabeth

  3. Mei June 1, 2006 at 2:46 am #

    Hey girl, hopefully you can read this comment even if it’s on an older post. Anyways . . . depression, obesity, emotion+food link, therapy: me too! I wish you the best of luck. The only thing I can add about all this is you mentioned “knowing” how to (insert goal here: lose weight, grow healthy, etc) but that the “doing” is hard. The doing definitely is hard. But it may not be completely accurate that you “know” how to lose weight. My experience has been it’s been more like “knowing” how to ride a bike. A) All the books on physics/history of bikes/bike mags in the world won’t help you the first time the training wheels are off and B) your body’s way more complex (and awesome, and sparkly) then a bike. Some day’s you have a tricycle, sometimes a unicycle, sometimes one of those toy bikes you have to scoot backward and then release. Ok, I’m putting that metaphor out of its misery. But you get the idea, from reading “iamthatgirlnow,” “actbodly,” and hearing other people’s stories, it seems that weight loss/maitenance works and grows you head, your heart, your body, and your habits. Working on stuff like depression with the help of a therapist is a big step; you’re nurturing yourself. Kudos and thanks for writing.

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