teeny, tiny baby steps

5 May

I had my first appointment with my therapist yesterday. I did a lot of research before I chose her and thank goodness I lucked upon a list of therapist that deal specifically with eating disorders and obesity. For some reason, it was very important for me to find someone like that. I guess it’s just a comforting feeling to know they at least *try* to understand.

Anyway, I met with her yesterday and she was very nice. I explained to her that I went from feeling and looking the best I ever had to this downward spiral I can’t seem to stop and I just can’t figure out why. She didn’t laugh at me, so she gets points there. She basically said it might get harder before it gets easier and I sort of already figured that out but it was good to hear. She also said that I should give myself credit for getting out and doing things like going to the dentist and making the appointment with her. Sometimes, I feel like an idiot for needed to be proud of myself for doing things that other people find completely normal and mundane but sometimes, it’s the only thing that makes me feel like a human being. She made it very clear she’s not one of those “oh, just pull yourself up by your boot straps!” people and that depression is not something that’s easy to work your way out of, especially if it’s to the point mine seems to be. I guess it was reassuring for a professional to tell me that I am not, in fact, insane and that this is not some weird thing I am imagining.

So I’ll be seeing her once a week for the timing being. It’s covered by my insurance, other than a $10 copay, so that’s good. Hopefully, I’ll be able to figure my way out of this eventually. I am not even focused on the food right now. Just getting out of bed and then maybe getting my brain working right again.


4 Responses to “teeny, tiny baby steps”

  1. Jordy May 6, 2006 at 6:23 am #

    I was in the same boat you’re in.. you know the one I mean, at the bottom of the ocean instead of floating on top. People always giving you advice, and you know that no one ever gives advice without having their OWN adgenda. i.e making themselves feel big and important.
    So I’m not going to offer any advice, just statements.
    Life just is.
    It, is what it is.
    An experience, in which you reside inside of your body, your vessel, and you don’t get a second chance, only chances to improve yourself along the way. Whether it be HEALTH, or spiritual, or personal development. We are capable of many great things, we as individuals and we as a collective.
    Life just is. And we just are. And you have the inner power, inner strength to become whomever you wish to be. However you wish to be.
    Right now.

  2. Wendy May 6, 2006 at 11:20 am #

    hey, that’s so great! I’m proud of you too! I know that feeling myself – I feel like an idiot for needed to be proud of myself for doing things that other people find completely normal and mundane but sometimes, it’s the only thing that makes me feel like a human being – and it is so destructive, so good for your for doing something positive to help deal with this. I think it’s great! BIG yay for you!

  3. LME May 8, 2006 at 2:24 pm #

    What Wendy wrote.

    I had a period where I was just so depressed. And doing those little things for yourself, like getting to the dentist, are so hard to do when you don’t even feel like getting out of bed. But you did them, and it is something to feel good about.

    And even better, you pulled yourself together and got yourself a therapist. That is a big decision, and a hard one to make.

    So, yes, YAY, a big, loud YAY, for you!

  4. BethK May 9, 2006 at 12:01 pm #

    It sounds like you found the right therapist. Just making that appointment and then actually going is huge and you should give yourself lots of credit. That was the hardest part. She’s right that there’s hard work coming, but now you have started the momentum going forward. That itty bitty speck of light at the end of the tunnel will get bigger and brighter.

    Being able to override the noise that the depression is putting in your head and doing what needs to be done to get better *is* an accomplishment. That’s why depression is such an insideous disease. It’s a chemical imbalance that feeds on its own negativity. You can’t will it away. You can’t beat yourself up in an effort think or act differently. You really do have to chip away at it.

    Be proud. Be very proud.

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