Archive | March, 2008

Faxes from my future self

14 Mar

I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about how happy I am going to be someday. I’ve pretty much convinced myself that there is a day coming where I will be able to shop wherever I want, sit comfortably in an airline seat, flirt without it feeling pointless, etc. etc. etc. I just know that as soon as I’ve lost some weight, things are going to be great! Of course, I want it to just magically happen without any effort. Which is why I am here and not there.

I am thinking about this particular fallacy right now because there was a Hockey Night In Canada t-shirt that I desperately wanted but could not buy because it only came in those cute girlie XL-is-actually-sort-of-a-medium-if-you-stretch-it sizes. Y’all, it was sparkly. If you know anything about me,  you know that hockey+sparkly on one shirt is my dream sartorial choice.  So I started to have this crazy idea where I would buy one and then hang it up somewhere in my apartment as motivation and set a goal to fit into said shirt by a certain date (that happened to coincide with a certainly fan convention thing that I was thinking of attending). I was well aware that this was probably a Bad Idea. But whatever. I have them all the time! I went to the site today to order it and, of course, it’s no longer there. A shirt I would love beyond reason is lost to me once again because I am too fucking fat. I know my severe emotional reaction to the situation was probably less about the shirt and more about my issues. But I still found myself sitting at my desk, mourning a t-shirt!

Then I was at SXSW last week and I literally thought to myself “When I come to this next year, I am going to be thinner so I can flirt with all these adorable geekboys.” I am so ridiculous, you know? And I actually sat there and daydreamed about it for a minute. And then I went and ate the biggest plate of Mexican food ever in the history of the world plus a basket of chips and a pitcher of margaritas! I KNOW!

I am torn between being angry and sad. Sad that I missed something but angry at myself for being stuck in this moment for what seems like years and years and years. I know I could go back through this blog and find other posts with similar stories. Over and over again, I dream about one day and never do anything about it. If I spent half the energy I waste planning for that ridiculous future time and actually did something about it, I might actually land there someday. But I don’t.

When I think that I am ready to start making changes,  I start counting up all the days, months, weeks, years that I have already lost and I get overwhelmed and I want to do everything RIGHT NOW because contemplating more lost time is sometimes too much for me to bear. But I can’t seem to stop my brain from making the leap from ‘how about we stop eating McDonald’s every other day’ to ‘eat perfectly and exercise or it’s all pointless!!!’.