Faxes from my future self

14 Mar

I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about how happy I am going to be someday. I’ve pretty much convinced myself that there is a day coming where I will be able to shop wherever I want, sit comfortably in an airline seat, flirt without it feeling pointless, etc. etc. etc. I just know that as soon as I’ve lost some weight, things are going to be great! Of course, I want it to just magically happen without any effort. Which is why I am here and not there.

I am thinking about this particular fallacy right now because there was a Hockey Night In Canada t-shirt that I desperately wanted but could not buy because it only came in those cute girlie XL-is-actually-sort-of-a-medium-if-you-stretch-it sizes. Y’all, it was sparkly. If you know anything about me,  you know that hockey+sparkly on one shirt is my dream sartorial choice.  So I started to have this crazy idea where I would buy one and then hang it up somewhere in my apartment as motivation and set a goal to fit into said shirt by a certain date (that happened to coincide with a certainly fan convention thing that I was thinking of attending). I was well aware that this was probably a Bad Idea. But whatever. I have them all the time! I went to the site today to order it and, of course, it’s no longer there. A shirt I would love beyond reason is lost to me once again because I am too fucking fat. I know my severe emotional reaction to the situation was probably less about the shirt and more about my issues. But I still found myself sitting at my desk, mourning a t-shirt!

Then I was at SXSW last week and I literally thought to myself “When I come to this next year, I am going to be thinner so I can flirt with all these adorable geekboys.” I am so ridiculous, you know? And I actually sat there and daydreamed about it for a minute. And then I went and ate the biggest plate of Mexican food ever in the history of the world plus a basket of chips and a pitcher of margaritas! I KNOW!

I am torn between being angry and sad. Sad that I missed something but angry at myself for being stuck in this moment for what seems like years and years and years. I know I could go back through this blog and find other posts with similar stories. Over and over again, I dream about one day and never do anything about it. If I spent half the energy I waste planning for that ridiculous future time and actually did something about it, I might actually land there someday. But I don’t.

When I think that I am ready to start making changes,  I start counting up all the days, months, weeks, years that I have already lost and I get overwhelmed and I want to do everything RIGHT NOW because contemplating more lost time is sometimes too much for me to bear. But I can’t seem to stop my brain from making the leap from ‘how about we stop eating McDonald’s every other day’ to ‘eat perfectly and exercise or it’s all pointless!!!’.

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One Response to “Faxes from my future self”

  1. Cate March 14, 2008 at 2:44 pm #

    I know you know this, duck, but let me say it anyway – this is not about you failing; it’s not about you “being” a failure. It’s about a host of wants and fears that are buried deep inside you, and the weight and regret and anger are simply manifestations of that. Get to the Thing and the rest will eventually follow – not without work, sure, but they’ll come.

    My therapist used to tell me ‘we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time.’ Some part of you doesn’t have information yet to feel like it can trust the world / guys / relationships again / slenderness. Once you get that information – then you’ll be able to make other choices. You’re not failing – you’re just searching. And everyone has to do that.

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