You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation.

17 Apr

So, yesterday was a Bad Day. I don’t mean that in terms of what I ate or anything, as I am trying to avoid using such terminology. Positivity! Focus on the fun! I just mean I had a Bad Day.

I found myself crying for no discernible reason. There was just an ache in my chest that wouldn’t go away and all I could thinks was “God, I just want to eat something, everything, right fucking now!” I was convinced it would make me feel better. I resisted because, man, I want to keep those hockey tickets and I don’t want to let me friends down and I’ve wasted enough time already. So I sucked it up and just let myself cry. I curled up into a little ball on my bed, took some deep breaths, snuggled with the cats and waited for it to pass, which it eventually did. I felt a little ridiculous, lying there, but it was better than eating a bad of chips or whatever, and definitely had less calories.

It got me to thinking about food and addiction. I am pretty sure that cutting white flour out of my diet and avoiding sugar was part of what triggered it. Those are both things that I have used constantly in my life to soothe myself when I get depressed. I honestly believe I am chemically dependent on them and I need to remind myself of that when I start feeling crazier when I am eating healthier. I suppose part of it could be psychosomatic, wherein I miss those things and I assume that my crazy is related to them but it feels like a different kind of crazy, if that makes any sense. It’s almost a panic, like if I don’t have these things right now, I am going to…something. Break into a million pieces. Being hungry triggers that feeling sometimes, too. Simply letting myself feel things and not stuff myself with food freaks me out. That’s why planning out my food becomes very important because if I slack off and I end up feeling too hungry, that’s when I make unhealthy decisions.

I am desperately trying to take this slow and not be too hard on myself because I know it hasn’t worked in the past. But I also have to balance that out with making an extra effort to stay on track and actually start making some sacrifices or I am never going to get anywhere.

The BFF’s mantra, as I mentioned above, is that it’s All About the Fun. I think she got this from The Secret or whatever but I try to not think about how she is going to end up in a creepy cult someday if she keeps this up and focus on the part where that makes sense. Just about every self-help book/guru/website/whatever will tell you that focusing on the positives works better than bitching about the negatives. I am working on that, I promise. I made fun mixes to walk to and I got shiny shoes to wear while I am doing it. And I look at that picture of the hockey boys celebrating at least once a day. And when, like last night, I allow myself two cookies, I don’t get down on myself. I enter it into MySpark and move on.

And today, my fun thing was to walk over to Trader Joe’s at lunch. It killed two birds with one stone: I got my exercise and I bought some healthy staples for the pantry! Plus, it was such a beautiful day, I barely noticed the walk. Of course, my calves are now reminding me that I took it, but that’s okay. It makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. I had to walk by the Bally’s on the way and I caught myself starting to think things like “okay, if you get up at 6am, you can ride the train in and get this much cardio in and still have time to shower and get to work…” and I had to stop myself because, seriously, let’s try to walk for 30 minutes a day three times a week first before we plan our trip down gym junkie lane, right? Right!

Also, thanks to Half of Me (which, if you are not reading, you totally should because she is AWESOMELY inspirational and I can’t wait to read her book!), I found the Couch-to-5k running plan, which I think I am going to try (eventually). It’s just the sort of easily understood, baby steps plan I can get behind.

And now that I have updated this, I can give myself another smiley face on my goals page! WOO!


One Response to “You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation.”

  1. mo pie April 30, 2008 at 1:27 am #

    Hee. Kevin!!

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