Archive | June, 2008

i like bread and butter

30 Jun

Two entries in two days? WHAT? Yeah, I know. But I was reading some weight loss blogs at lunch *points to side bar* and I got a little inspired. (Plus, I get a point! Woo! I like to think of them as sparkly gold stars in my head. Because I am twelve!)

Anyway, I didn’t end up meditating last night like I planned. I read a few chapters of Feeling Good (okay, more like skimmed because jeezo, I get it, this works, can we move on please?) and by the time I was done, it was midnight and I felt a little silly mediating before bed. I don’t want to set up a pattern or I’ll be falling asleep every time I try it.

I had a hard time sleeping, though, so I sort of wish I had tried it. I had one of those headaches you get when you are addicted to sugar and caffeine and you spend a whole day avoiding them. Plus, I only ended up eating around 1,600 calories which is probably a lot less than I’ve been used to lately. I laid in bed for a while, fighting the urge to get up and have a slice of bread with butter. I wanted this so badly, ya’ll! Instead, I just laid there frustrated that, once again, I was obsessing about food. And when I woke up, I still had the headache, plus a serious craving for a donut!

Now, I haven’t had a donut in, like, two years. Oddly, I am not a big fan of them normally. I only have them when someone kindly brings them into the office. But for some reason, I just wanted a gd donut! I even Google mapped to see if there was a Dunkin Donuts near my office. (DAMN YOU, RACHEL RAY!) Thankfully, there was not one within a half mile. On the one hand, if you are going to eat a donut, you should probably have to walk a mile round trip to get it. On the other hand, girl is lazy. Of course, there are two Au Bon Pains between me and my office, so I ended up with a cherry danish and some coffee anyway. Still, I entered the food in my Spark log and I did bring a healthy lunch, so I don’t think it’s going to kill me. I am trying so so so sooooooooooo hard to not make things a huge deal. A cherry danish on a Monday morning? Not a big deal. A cherry danish every day until the end of time? A big deal. One day at a time is so cliche but I’ve got to break it down further to, like, on hour at a time or I’ll go crazier.

I am trying not to make too many eating habit changes too quickly (yes, again) because I tend to get obsessive. Like, I should be eating healthier AND focusing on more sustainable eating practices AND trying to save money AND AND AND! But, really, I think that’s asking a lot of anyone. So I am doing my best to focus on things that taste good that are good for me and working from there.  Once I’ve developed a good habit, then I can find a way to make it cheaper/more sustainable/whatever.

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checking the gauge

29 Jun

I’ve totally given up on the cutesy “The Office”-related titles. Please forgive me!

So, The BFF requested an update, as is her due, so here we go. It’s been an interesting few weeks. I’ve been doing okay point-wise, as I took her advice and added a lot of positive-point things and avoided the negative. It is easier that way, so I’ll go on record to say she was right. (I know how much she digs hearing that!)

In the middle of this progress, I had a bit of a traumatic experience. I came home from work the other day and got on the elevator with this young boy, probably around 12, I guess? Anyway, I am sorting through my mail, minding my own business, and after I get off the elevator and almost get to the corner, I hear the little cretin scream out “GO TO THE GYM, BITCH!” and the elevator doors slide shut.

I stood there sort of stunned for a moment. I could feel my face heating up and I ran through so many emotions. Anger, embarrassment, confusion. I did my best not to let it bother me because, hello, stupid child. But it was difficult. It’s not fun having your issues trumpeted back at you by a hellchild that is for sure. And I was angry at society in general, that him saying that was something okay in his head, where he probably wouldn’t not have done so to someone else, you know? There really is a cultural norm that making fun of fat people is okay because we are somehow weak and deserve it. That really pisses me off. A lot.

It’s one of the hardest things for me to deal with, the inability to escape my weight issue, even for a moment. As soon as I do, I walk by a window or a mirror or someone looks at me funny or, jeez, says something and it’s like I’ve lost all over again.

The BFF&Co wanted to go hiking today and invited me along. I took some time to think about it and decided against it. I’d spent all of yesterday going to the grocery store and doing the dishes and my laundry and I knew that I wanted to prepare some of the stuff for much lunch for the next week today. And I knew that if I spent half the day hiking, I wouldn’t have the energy to do those things when I got back and if I didn’t, I’d be more likely to skip taking my lunch which leads to eating out which leads to bad food choices and spending money I shouldn’t. I realize that there are people out there who can do all those things, who have the energy, emotionally and physically, do all those things in a day, and more. I am just not one of those people right now. I aspire to it, believe me.

But it goes back to that issue of never escaping. It takes me so much energy to be anywhere close to normal because not only do I have to physically do things, I have to use so much mental energy to force myself to keep doing it. For me to eat relatively healthy, I have to focus so hard, I end up spending half the day thinking about food, what I am going to eat, how much of it I can eat, what I am going to make when I get home, etc. etc. etc.

I don’t know, maybe everyone is like this and I am just a wimp about it. I get a lot of “why don’t you just…” from people. I used to get it all the time from my dad, too, and it drove me crazy. If I could, I would? I mean, I don’t know how to explain it. He said to me later, after his own health problems and his wife leaving him drove him into a deep depression, that he was sorry for telling me that I just needed to do things, because he never understood how hard that was until he went through it.

I don’t want to be the type of person that makes excuses. I am frustrated by my seemingly small tank when it comes to emotional energy. And I can’t seem to explain it to people without it coming across as just being lame and weak.

Anyway, I wanted to make sure that I actually did the things I wanted to do so that the sacrifice of the physical activity that would have been good to me would not be in vain. So I got up and puttered around the kitchen. I trimmed the fat from a chicken breast and made up some marinate for it. Then I sliced up the strawberries I bought and I had a nice breakfast. Then later, I made some black bean dip and cooked up the chicken, part of it to take in my lunch and part to have for dinner with some sweet potato fries and some corn. In between, I found a neat recipe site full of lots of things I want to try. I even tracked my food and points, read some of my book and did the dishes! Plus, I am going to do a little meditating before I go to bed. So, overall, I feel like it wasn’t a wasted day. I know that Monday will go easier, which makes the rest of the week go smoother.

Someday, I want to be the person that spends her whole weekend gallivanting around doing lots of productive and fun things instead of using the time to recharge my emotional battery. It’s just going to take me awhile to get there, I think.

posting frequently – motivated – positive – me

17 Jun

One of these things is not like the others, one of these things does not belooooong!

Okay, I promised myself I wouldn’t get all negative up in this entry, even though it’s been TWO MONTHS since I have updated. Let’s just say I have been struggling and move on, shall we?

Yes, things have not been going smoothly, to say the least. There are many many issues at work here, many of which I have been dealing with for a long time. I have a hard time with delayed gratification. I generally do not feel I deserve to have nice things. I really just want a fucking iced coffee every damn morning which is not too much to ask!!!

Erm. Yes, so issues. I am resetting my goals and trying to be more positive. Going back to the basics. Baby steps. One day at a time. Blah blah blaaaah. I can even give myself a point for this rather ridiculous blog post.

But, hey, at least I still have my umbrella…ella…ella. 😉