checking the gauge

29 Jun

I’ve totally given up on the cutesy “The Office”-related titles. Please forgive me!

So, The BFF requested an update, as is her due, so here we go. It’s been an interesting few weeks. I’ve been doing okay point-wise, as I took her advice and added a lot of positive-point things and avoided the negative. It is easier that way, so I’ll go on record to say she was right. (I know how much she digs hearing that!)

In the middle of this progress, I had a bit of a traumatic experience. I came home from work the other day and got on the elevator with this young boy, probably around 12, I guess? Anyway, I am sorting through my mail, minding my own business, and after I get off the elevator and almost get to the corner, I hear the little cretin scream out “GO TO THE GYM, BITCH!” and the elevator doors slide shut.

I stood there sort of stunned for a moment. I could feel my face heating up and I ran through so many emotions. Anger, embarrassment, confusion. I did my best not to let it bother me because, hello, stupid child. But it was difficult. It’s not fun having your issues trumpeted back at you by a hellchild that is for sure. And I was angry at society in general, that him saying that was something okay in his head, where he probably wouldn’t not have done so to someone else, you know? There really is a cultural norm that making fun of fat people is okay because we are somehow weak and deserve it. That really pisses me off. A lot.

It’s one of the hardest things for me to deal with, the inability to escape my weight issue, even for a moment. As soon as I do, I walk by a window or a mirror or someone looks at me funny or, jeez, says something and it’s like I’ve lost all over again.

The BFF&Co wanted to go hiking today and invited me along. I took some time to think about it and decided against it. I’d spent all of yesterday going to the grocery store and doing the dishes and my laundry and I knew that I wanted to prepare some of the stuff for much lunch for the next week today. And I knew that if I spent half the day hiking, I wouldn’t have the energy to do those things when I got back and if I didn’t, I’d be more likely to skip taking my lunch which leads to eating out which leads to bad food choices and spending money I shouldn’t. I realize that there are people out there who can do all those things, who have the energy, emotionally and physically, do all those things in a day, and more. I am just not one of those people right now. I aspire to it, believe me.

But it goes back to that issue of never escaping. It takes me so much energy to be anywhere close to normal because not only do I have to physically do things, I have to use so much mental energy to force myself to keep doing it. For me to eat relatively healthy, I have to focus so hard, I end up spending half the day thinking about food, what I am going to eat, how much of it I can eat, what I am going to make when I get home, etc. etc. etc.

I don’t know, maybe everyone is like this and I am just a wimp about it. I get a lot of “why don’t you just…” from people. I used to get it all the time from my dad, too, and it drove me crazy. If I could, I would? I mean, I don’t know how to explain it. He said to me later, after his own health problems and his wife leaving him drove him into a deep depression, that he was sorry for telling me that I just needed to do things, because he never understood how hard that was until he went through it.

I don’t want to be the type of person that makes excuses. I am frustrated by my seemingly small tank when it comes to emotional energy. And I can’t seem to explain it to people without it coming across as just being lame and weak.

Anyway, I wanted to make sure that I actually did the things I wanted to do so that the sacrifice of the physical activity that would have been good to me would not be in vain. So I got up and puttered around the kitchen. I trimmed the fat from a chicken breast and made up some marinate for it. Then I sliced up the strawberries I bought and I had a nice breakfast. Then later, I made some black bean dip and cooked up the chicken, part of it to take in my lunch and part to have for dinner with some sweet potato fries and some corn. In between, I found a neat recipe site full of lots of things I want to try. I even tracked my food and points, read some of my book and did the dishes! Plus, I am going to do a little meditating before I go to bed. So, overall, I feel like it wasn’t a wasted day. I know that Monday will go easier, which makes the rest of the week go smoother.

Someday, I want to be the person that spends her whole weekend gallivanting around doing lots of productive and fun things instead of using the time to recharge my emotional battery. It’s just going to take me awhile to get there, I think.

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