planning, preparation, panic, pain, pathetic, peaceful?

8 Sep

I had this for lunch today:

Amy's Cheese Enchilada

And I can honestly say that I was extremely surprised and pleased by how good it was. It’s rare that I eat a frozen dinner where I am actually sad when it’s gone instead of struggling through the last bites. Also, beans and I have a strange relationship wherein sometimes I adore them and sometimes they make my tongue sad. These were delicious though and perfect with the crunchy sweet corn. With a nice tart Granny Smith apple for dessert, I am quite satisfied. I will definitely be stocking up on these babies!

I share this positive thing first because now it’s time to talk about my weekend. *SIGH* Saturday, as you may have read, was a good day for the most part. But I must confess that at about 11pm, I started to get pretty miserable and then had a very difficult time trying to sleep. My whole body just didn’t feel….right. I am not talking about pain or anything. Just off in some way. And I started to wonder if I was feeling “normal” and I just didn’t recognize it. Whatever it was, I didn’t like it, dammit!

So of course when I got up on Sunday, my first instinct was to stuff myself to avoid whatever I experienced the nigtht before. I started okay with pizza made with whole wheat pita. I mean, I ate two of them, but all things considered, not a huge tumble from the wagon, nutritionally. On the emotional eating scale, however, I hit about an 8.

However, I avoided going to the grocery store like I wanted and this left me with not a lot in the house to munch on that would be tasty enough to distract me from sliding further down the emotional eating rabbit hole of doom. I made it to about 8 o’clock before I started jonesing for those greasy chicken things I talked about the other day and not even the hotness of Alexander Skarsgård could distract me from my fix. They tasted pretty good in my mouth but my soul was not really feeling it. I don’t want to say I felt guilty, because that wasn’t it. Just sad, mostly, that sometimes food and emotions control me so strongly. I hate that whole saying “nothing tastes as good as being thin feels” or whatever, mostly because it’s true! That 15 minutes of greasy carby delight was not worth what it does to my body or my progress toward being healthier. Gar.

And then yesterday, I did okay. I got a tall non-fat version of the pumpkin spiced latte and small fries with my Chik-fil-a and again tried to ease my way through the evening with another whole wheat pita pizza but that ended up with me eating an extra helping of ham with sauce and cheese because I wasn’t “full” enough.

I am not even going to pretend that it wasn’t another emotional-eating moment for me. Some friends and I went to see the Capitals rookie camp practice earlier in the day, which I enjoyed very much. But as we were leaving, we ran into one of the players and the horrible little troll that lives inside of me filled my head with nasty stuff about what he thought of me (like he even really noticed that much!) and blah. I can’t even articulate it properly without embarassing myself, honestly.

Mostly, I am just very very tired of not feeling at all comfortable in my own skin. Which makes me sad. Which makes me want to eat. Which makes me fatter. Which makes me feel less comfortable in my own skin! How do I get to where I am more tired of feeling like this than I am of doing the work that is required to change it? Is that where my peace is?

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3 Responses to “planning, preparation, panic, pain, pathetic, peaceful?”

  1. Lacy September 8, 2009 at 2:49 pm #

    I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about. I have spent many an hour crying over the catch 22 of “If I want this so much, why can’t I do it????”

    I don’t really know the answer, except that I think I need to forgive myself before I can “want” it “enough” to follow though, you know? I’m so busy hating on myself, it doesn’t leave a whole lot room for positive improvement a lot of the time.

  2. Chrissy September 9, 2009 at 10:53 am #

    I haven’t tried the Amy’s Mexican food (not a huge Mexican fan) but I’ve had two different Amy’s Indian meals and they’re among my favourite of all the frozen meals ever.

  3. betterornot December 10, 2009 at 10:04 pm #

    You are not the only one who imagines all the crazy shit running through someone’s head when they look at you. Trust me- the grass isn’t any greener in that department at a size 8.

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