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breakfast for dinner

13 May

Since I had a big cheesy spicy chicken burrito for lunch, I really wasn’t in the mood for leftover Indian food. I was craving something sweet and filling. I had an apple and some quinoa, and with a little help from Google, I figured it out nicely.

I ended up making Apple & Cinnamon Quinoa from Green Lite Bites (cherry juice instead of lemon and brown sugar instead of honey ’cause I gotta work with what I got!) with a little chunk of Irish cheddar and a cup of Lady Grey tea. Normally I am not a breakfast for dinner kind of girl unless it involves eggs and bacon, but this was pretty much exactly what I was looking for.

As I am writing this, I am thinking to myself, “you should wait a few hours to consider it a success because you are probably going to get really hungry and eat something as a late night snack!”

Oh, my brain! I am not going to listen. I am going to enjoy the afterglow of a nutritious and delicious meal and give myself bonus gold stars for doing some of the dishes while I waited for it to cook. GO ME!

ETA: Also? I did not turn the TV on while I ate. I put on some mellow music and tried to just focus on enjoying my meal. I wasn’t quite able to cut the cord to the laptop but baby steps!

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planning, preparation, panic, pain, pathetic, peaceful?

8 Sep

I had this for lunch today:

Amy's Cheese Enchilada

And I can honestly say that I was extremely surprised and pleased by how good it was. It’s rare that I eat a frozen dinner where I am actually sad when it’s gone instead of struggling through the last bites. Also, beans and I have a strange relationship wherein sometimes I adore them and sometimes they make my tongue sad. These were delicious though and perfect with the crunchy sweet corn. With a nice tart Granny Smith apple for dessert, I am quite satisfied. I will definitely be stocking up on these babies!

I share this positive thing first because now it’s time to talk about my weekend. *SIGH* Saturday, as you may have read, was a good day for the most part. But I must confess that at about 11pm, I started to get pretty miserable and then had a very difficult time trying to sleep. My whole body just didn’t feel….right. I am not talking about pain or anything. Just off in some way. And I started to wonder if I was feeling “normal” and I just didn’t recognize it. Whatever it was, I didn’t like it, dammit!

So of course when I got up on Sunday, my first instinct was to stuff myself to avoid whatever I experienced the nigtht before. I started okay with pizza made with whole wheat pita. I mean, I ate two of them, but all things considered, not a huge tumble from the wagon, nutritionally. On the emotional eating scale, however, I hit about an 8.

However, I avoided going to the grocery store like I wanted and this left me with not a lot in the house to munch on that would be tasty enough to distract me from sliding further down the emotional eating rabbit hole of doom. I made it to about 8 o’clock before I started jonesing for those greasy chicken things I talked about the other day and not even the hotness of Alexander Skarsgård could distract me from my fix. They tasted pretty good in my mouth but my soul was not really feeling it. I don’t want to say I felt guilty, because that wasn’t it. Just sad, mostly, that sometimes food and emotions control me so strongly. I hate that whole saying “nothing tastes as good as being thin feels” or whatever, mostly because it’s true! That 15 minutes of greasy carby delight was not worth what it does to my body or my progress toward being healthier. Gar.

And then yesterday, I did okay. I got a tall non-fat version of the pumpkin spiced latte and small fries with my Chik-fil-a and again tried to ease my way through the evening with another whole wheat pita pizza but that ended up with me eating an extra helping of ham with sauce and cheese because I wasn’t “full” enough.

I am not even going to pretend that it wasn’t another emotional-eating moment for me. Some friends and I went to see the Capitals rookie camp practice earlier in the day, which I enjoyed very much. But as we were leaving, we ran into one of the players and the horrible little troll that lives inside of me filled my head with nasty stuff about what he thought of me (like he even really noticed that much!) and blah. I can’t even articulate it properly without embarassing myself, honestly.

Mostly, I am just very very tired of not feeling at all comfortable in my own skin. Which makes me sad. Which makes me want to eat. Which makes me fatter. Which makes me feel less comfortable in my own skin! How do I get to where I am more tired of feeling like this than I am of doing the work that is required to change it? Is that where my peace is?

are you ready for some spinaaaaaaaaaaaaach?

5 Sep

Today is the first official Saturday of college football season! *\o/* When I got up this morning, one of the first things I wrestled with was, “what to eat while watching all this glorious football?” I have to say that even at 10:30am I was so tempted to reach for the phone and just order a big pizza to eat on all day. I had to take a lot of deep breaths, think about my current favorite happy place, and mentally review the contents of my kitchen to keep myself from a pre-planned carb coma.

I went with some scrambled Egg Beaters and diced ham and a pinch of cheese with salsa, a half a slice of whole wheat pita and some cantaloupe for breakfast instead. So, victory! Then, for lunch, I had a spinach salad with goat cheese, cranberries, sliced almonds and homemade balsamic vinaigrette dressing. And then a little yogurt with almond butter for dessert.

I ate spinach. That was not in a cheesy fatty dip. While watching football. Please, mark this date on your calendars!

I am not going to lie, though. It was fucking difficult. I do a lot of looking at the clock still instead of listening to my body. I feel hungry? confused? all the time if I am eating non-greasy non-starchy things.  So a day inside with nothing to do but hide the phone to avoid takeout is actually pretty difficult. I feel kind of silly saying that but there it is.

Of course, while watching the games, I’ve been browsing Healthy Yum, which is just fantastic. It’s a nice way to get a variety of healthy things to consider. I found some good stuff to add to my delicious. (You can see whatever I’ve added lately on the right sidebar there! *points*) I think maybe that was a little too much obsessing about food for the day but I got some good out of it, so I am not going to beat myself up about it.

And now for dinner I am experimenting with adding more veggies to things I already like! I am making my favorite comfort food: macaroni and beef! But without macaroni and with the addition of 2.5 cups of broccoli slaw to bump up the veggie quotient (a trick I learned from Hungry Girl). So far, it’s tasting pretty good. I am debating on whether or not to add a little bit of whole wheat penne.

Tomorrow, there may be leaving the house to go hiking. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

okay, so it’s like this

3 Sep

Five months. Huh. Well, it’s not the longest I’ve gone without posting to this blog (in it’s many forms) but it’s not exactly ideal, no?

I had a bit of a spell where I ate these greasy fried (I typed fright first, ha!) boneless chicken wing things that were delivered hot and fresh to my house at least twice a week. Just typing that made my mouth water, so maybe I shouldn’t even be talking about them. Ya’ll, one time? I dipped them in chocolate.

Anyway, point is, I wasn’t really paying that much attention to taking care of myself. However, at the same time, I was walking to work every day, therefore I somehow broke even, weight wise. I’ll try not to sit here and cry over lost opportunities (I am lying!) and move on.

I’ve been eating better lately, though it’s been a severe test of wills. I’ve created a crazy (no, seriously) way of dealing with it mentally and it’s working, so I honestly don’t care if it qualifies me for a little white coat or not (plus, the book I will write about it is going to be stellar).   I even went for walk yesterday morning and I plan to do it again tomorrow. (Please tell me when the “exercising will give you more energy!” part kicks in because it really just makes me want to sleep instead of work!)

As I say every single time I try to make positive changes, I am doing my best to take it slowly and not beat myself up for misteps. It seems so very simple yet it never is. I mean, today, I couldn’t even figure out if I was full. I was eating lunch (a salad and a bowl of Amy’s Organic Cream of Tomato Soup – Light in Sodium (to which I ended up adding sodium!)) and I literally could not figure out if I was full or if, I don’t know, I had gas or something. I had food left, therefore I should eat it! Like I was mad at my stomach. I mean, this isn’t an issue when I am eating something I really want (the lunch was decent, rather be having a cheeseburger!), as I don’t fucking care if I am full, I am eating it all. Sometimes, I feel like I should just eat things I kind of don’t like to save myself the trouble. But then I get really cranky and want to kill people, so I am not sure that is the best strategy.

Basically, I am at the same place I am usually at in my cycle of crazy, but maybe with a few more tools in my arsenal to break through.

3/4 is better than 0/10000000

7 Apr

I made it to about 4pm yesterday on my quest to not eat out during the week. I brought food with me for breakfast (almond butter and a banana), a healthy snack (carrots and fat free yogurt ranch dip), and an easy and tasty lunch (Kashi’s Mayan Harvest Bake). I also had a bag of Glenny’s soy crisps at my desk for any emergency munching. Gold stars for planning!

Of course, I spent the entire day obsessing about the food. Once breakfast was consumed, I started looking at the clock hoping that it would give me a clue when it was okay to eat the carrots. As I was eating the carrots, I was thinking about how much I fucking hated eating fucking carrots and how a fucking bag of potato chips would be a lot fucking tastier. Then I stared at the clock some more, waiting for it to be time to eat the frozen dinner.  Then about 3pm, I decided I need some chocolate RIGHT NOW so I went to the vending machine, which didn’t have exactly what I was looking for so I just got a Diet Coke. And then ate the bag of soy crisps.

Around 4pm, it started to feel like someone had scraped out my insides with a rusty melon baller. All good intentions flew out the window and I began to plan my pizza binge. I even called on my walk home so it would get there faster. I also ordered two cans of Coke. YES, COKE! THAT THING I GAVE UP SEVEN YEARS AGO!

I ate and ate and ate (potato chips, too) and ate and ate. Then I had an ice cream sandwich. Then I went to bed at 9:30.  So much for just letting myself feel the misery.

But I started over today, so we’ll see. My only obsessing so far has been the time I spent at Trader Joe’s trying not to buy every starchy product in the place and this here journal entry.  More gold (a bit tarnished but still!) stars for me.

i like bread and butter

30 Jun

Two entries in two days? WHAT? Yeah, I know. But I was reading some weight loss blogs at lunch *points to side bar* and I got a little inspired. (Plus, I get a point! Woo! I like to think of them as sparkly gold stars in my head. Because I am twelve!)

Anyway, I didn’t end up meditating last night like I planned. I read a few chapters of Feeling Good (okay, more like skimmed because jeezo, I get it, this works, can we move on please?) and by the time I was done, it was midnight and I felt a little silly mediating before bed. I don’t want to set up a pattern or I’ll be falling asleep every time I try it.

I had a hard time sleeping, though, so I sort of wish I had tried it. I had one of those headaches you get when you are addicted to sugar and caffeine and you spend a whole day avoiding them. Plus, I only ended up eating around 1,600 calories which is probably a lot less than I’ve been used to lately. I laid in bed for a while, fighting the urge to get up and have a slice of bread with butter. I wanted this so badly, ya’ll! Instead, I just laid there frustrated that, once again, I was obsessing about food. And when I woke up, I still had the headache, plus a serious craving for a donut!

Now, I haven’t had a donut in, like, two years. Oddly, I am not a big fan of them normally. I only have them when someone kindly brings them into the office. But for some reason, I just wanted a gd donut! I even Google mapped to see if there was a Dunkin Donuts near my office. (DAMN YOU, RACHEL RAY!) Thankfully, there was not one within a half mile. On the one hand, if you are going to eat a donut, you should probably have to walk a mile round trip to get it. On the other hand, girl is lazy. Of course, there are two Au Bon Pains between me and my office, so I ended up with a cherry danish and some coffee anyway. Still, I entered the food in my Spark log and I did bring a healthy lunch, so I don’t think it’s going to kill me. I am trying so so so sooooooooooo hard to not make things a huge deal. A cherry danish on a Monday morning? Not a big deal. A cherry danish every day until the end of time? A big deal. One day at a time is so cliche but I’ve got to break it down further to, like, on hour at a time or I’ll go crazier.

I am trying not to make too many eating habit changes too quickly (yes, again) because I tend to get obsessive. Like, I should be eating healthier AND focusing on more sustainable eating practices AND trying to save money AND AND AND! But, really, I think that’s asking a lot of anyone. So I am doing my best to focus on things that taste good that are good for me and working from there.  Once I’ve developed a good habit, then I can find a way to make it cheaper/more sustainable/whatever.

You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation.

17 Apr

So, yesterday was a Bad Day. I don’t mean that in terms of what I ate or anything, as I am trying to avoid using such terminology. Positivity! Focus on the fun! I just mean I had a Bad Day.

I found myself crying for no discernible reason. There was just an ache in my chest that wouldn’t go away and all I could thinks was “God, I just want to eat something, everything, right fucking now!” I was convinced it would make me feel better. I resisted because, man, I want to keep those hockey tickets and I don’t want to let me friends down and I’ve wasted enough time already. So I sucked it up and just let myself cry. I curled up into a little ball on my bed, took some deep breaths, snuggled with the cats and waited for it to pass, which it eventually did. I felt a little ridiculous, lying there, but it was better than eating a bad of chips or whatever, and definitely had less calories.

It got me to thinking about food and addiction. I am pretty sure that cutting white flour out of my diet and avoiding sugar was part of what triggered it. Those are both things that I have used constantly in my life to soothe myself when I get depressed. I honestly believe I am chemically dependent on them and I need to remind myself of that when I start feeling crazier when I am eating healthier. I suppose part of it could be psychosomatic, wherein I miss those things and I assume that my crazy is related to them but it feels like a different kind of crazy, if that makes any sense. It’s almost a panic, like if I don’t have these things right now, I am going to…something. Break into a million pieces. Being hungry triggers that feeling sometimes, too. Simply letting myself feel things and not stuff myself with food freaks me out. That’s why planning out my food becomes very important because if I slack off and I end up feeling too hungry, that’s when I make unhealthy decisions.

I am desperately trying to take this slow and not be too hard on myself because I know it hasn’t worked in the past. But I also have to balance that out with making an extra effort to stay on track and actually start making some sacrifices or I am never going to get anywhere.

The BFF’s mantra, as I mentioned above, is that it’s All About the Fun. I think she got this from The Secret or whatever but I try to not think about how she is going to end up in a creepy cult someday if she keeps this up and focus on the part where that makes sense. Just about every self-help book/guru/website/whatever will tell you that focusing on the positives works better than bitching about the negatives. I am working on that, I promise. I made fun mixes to walk to and I got shiny shoes to wear while I am doing it. And I look at that picture of the hockey boys celebrating at least once a day. And when, like last night, I allow myself two cookies, I don’t get down on myself. I enter it into MySpark and move on.

And today, my fun thing was to walk over to Trader Joe’s at lunch. It killed two birds with one stone: I got my exercise and I bought some healthy staples for the pantry! Plus, it was such a beautiful day, I barely noticed the walk. Of course, my calves are now reminding me that I took it, but that’s okay. It makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. I had to walk by the Bally’s on the way and I caught myself starting to think things like “okay, if you get up at 6am, you can ride the train in and get this much cardio in and still have time to shower and get to work…” and I had to stop myself because, seriously, let’s try to walk for 30 minutes a day three times a week first before we plan our trip down gym junkie lane, right? Right!

Also, thanks to Half of Me (which, if you are not reading, you totally should because she is AWESOMELY inspirational and I can’t wait to read her book!), I found the Couch-to-5k running plan, which I think I am going to try (eventually). It’s just the sort of easily understood, baby steps plan I can get behind.

And now that I have updated this, I can give myself another smiley face on my goals page! WOO!