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things to remember

26 May

Progress not perfection. That is my goal.

I got these little cards forever ago, I am not sure if they were from my dad or something I bought for myself. They’ve been with me through many “diets”, “life plans”, etc., sometimes living on the mirror in the bathroom, stuck to my computer monitor or on the back of the door next to a weight chart. The only one that has survived the move to this apartment contains that reminder and is on the fridge now.

This is the most difficult thing for me. Some people might confuse my messy apartment or my weight issues with not caring or being lazy, something I often accuse myself of when I let the negative self talk get the better of me. But it’s really more like, if I can’t to it perfectly, why do it at all? That leads to procrastination and/or overextending myself which then leads to giving up and eating a whole pizza. I plan plan plan and try try try then I get overwhelmed and then I am just done. I ran into this last week and it took me awhile to recover from it. I got caught up in cooking lots of things ahead of time for the week and before I knew it, my kitchen was a mess and I didn’t have enough energy left over from the cooking and shopping to get it back in order again.

So this week, I learned that my kitchen does not have to be clean for me to cook for myself. Yes, the dishes have piled up and I need to do creative rearranging to get counter space but still. It’s better to use my energy to take care of myself first and then my apartment/kitchen second. I learned that I don’t have to eat something I don’t like just because I spent an hour cooking it. And pizza rolls on Friday night are not an excuse to avoid eating well for the rest of the week!

I am also quite proud that I went over a week without eating out or ordering in once! I did grab food on the way home tonight because I went to happy hour and I was really hungry, so I knew I would not be in the mood to cook when I got home. It was actually disappointing, as I went to an Indian place I used to go to all the time and they changed some things not for the better. Was the universe trying to tell me something?

I had my first Diet Coke in almost two weeks with my disappointing meal and I did not enjoy it either. So I am pretty happy that I have survived giving up the Magic Elixir. I am still experimenting with the sparkling lime water/pomegranate/cherry/agave drink. I have noticed that I drink less of it in once sitting than I did Diet Coke. I am trying to just focus on the fact that I am nourishing my body with antioxidants and all sorts of other good things that are in the juice. It’s very hard for me to not try to count all the calories and measure everything and try to make it all fit into a perfect little box. I know that some people find success that way but it has never worked for me. So I am focusing on making small, positive changes and I think switching from chemically soda to real fruit juice, in moderation, is a good positive change.


okay, so it’s like this

3 Sep

Five months. Huh. Well, it’s not the longest I’ve gone without posting to this blog (in it’s many forms) but it’s not exactly ideal, no?

I had a bit of a spell where I ate these greasy fried (I typed fright first, ha!) boneless chicken wing things that were delivered hot and fresh to my house at least twice a week. Just typing that made my mouth water, so maybe I shouldn’t even be talking about them. Ya’ll, one time? I dipped them in chocolate.

Anyway, point is, I wasn’t really paying that much attention to taking care of myself. However, at the same time, I was walking to work every day, therefore I somehow broke even, weight wise. I’ll try not to sit here and cry over lost opportunities (I am lying!) and move on.

I’ve been eating better lately, though it’s been a severe test of wills. I’ve created a crazy (no, seriously) way of dealing with it mentally and it’s working, so I honestly don’t care if it qualifies me for a little white coat or not (plus, the book I will write about it is going to be stellar).   I even went for walk yesterday morning and I plan to do it again tomorrow. (Please tell me when the “exercising will give you more energy!” part kicks in because it really just makes me want to sleep instead of work!)

As I say every single time I try to make positive changes, I am doing my best to take it slowly and not beat myself up for misteps. It seems so very simple yet it never is. I mean, today, I couldn’t even figure out if I was full. I was eating lunch (a salad and a bowl of Amy’s Organic Cream of Tomato Soup – Light in Sodium (to which I ended up adding sodium!)) and I literally could not figure out if I was full or if, I don’t know, I had gas or something. I had food left, therefore I should eat it! Like I was mad at my stomach. I mean, this isn’t an issue when I am eating something I really want (the lunch was decent, rather be having a cheeseburger!), as I don’t fucking care if I am full, I am eating it all. Sometimes, I feel like I should just eat things I kind of don’t like to save myself the trouble. But then I get really cranky and want to kill people, so I am not sure that is the best strategy.

Basically, I am at the same place I am usually at in my cycle of crazy, but maybe with a few more tools in my arsenal to break through.

6 Apr

I did the dishes this weekend, so gold stars for me. Considering I probably hadn’t done them since the last time I posted about it, you can just imagine the mess I had to deal with. It took me about, oh, three hours to get through it all. I also did all of my laundry, too. Of course, by the time Sunday evening rolled around, I was too exhausted to do some of the other stuff I needed to get done.

In between the dishes and the laundry, I went to Whole Foods to stock up on good foods. I have challenged myself to not go out to eat this whole work week. Which means I needed breakfast and lunch foods. I bought my first jar of almond butter (had some with a banana this morning for bfast) and tried to avoid carby things and stick to veggies.

I’ve sort of resigned myself to be miserable when it comes to food for awhile. Yeah, I know, I should eat things I like but…I like potato chips and take out and large pizzas and crap like that. So it really doesn’t matter what I cook for myself, I am still not going to be happy about not eating exactly what I want to be eating. If I am not using food to stuff down my emotions, I am going to have to actually, you know, feel them. So, I feel like I need to just own that and suffer through it and try to find other ways to deal with it, like writing in this thing or reading a book or having a temper tantrum on the floor. It will get better eventually, right? And I figure I am really sort of miserable even when I am eating all the crap I want to eat, so at least this way, I’ll be eating better.

my darling clementine

1 Apr

I’ve been craving fresh fruit lately (probably because of the recipe surfing and saving I’ve been doing) but my kitchen is such a mess, I haven’t been up for buying them. But it got to be such an obsession, I picked up a bag of these

to keep at my (much neater) desk at work. Yeah, it would make more sense to clean my kitchen but baby steps! I am trying my darndest to go with any healthy impulse I have, no matter how wacky/expensive/complicated/whatever. And not to let any sort of “well, first I need to x/y/z before I can [insert healthy thing here].”

For instance, two weeks ago, I accidentally bought approximately a billion bottles of  cdk instead of       diet-coke1.

It was pretty traumatic at first. But then I started to notice I was sleeping better. Who knew not having one two bottles of regular Diet Coke after 6pm would be bad for sleep! Okay, I totally knew that. I just didn’t know it, you know? Now I am contemplating using this mistake as a way too ween myself from Diet Coke (at least at home) all together. There are many reasons to do so, really. It’s expensive, heavy to carry,  and full of chemicals. Plus, I think that I eat more when I drink soda with my meals.  I haven’t committed to giving caffeine up completely (omgcoffeeilu) but I think this is a baby step I can handle.

You see, summer is coming and I have nothing to wear. I mean, things fit okay but I have clothes from a few years ago that don’t and my favorite pants are starting to wear out. And since we all can’t be Lady Gaga, I’m eventually going to have to buy new ones, which can be rather complicated for someone as short and round in the middle as I am. If I could just get some of my spare tire to migrate down to a badonkadonk, my shopping would be a lot easier. Unfortunately, fat doesn’t work that way so I’ve got to toss out the spare tire so I can fit into actual petite pants.

I’ve been reading this dietgirl-us-covergif from the Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl for inspriation. I can still remember finding her early on in my diet blogging days and following her progress. Along with Lose the Buddha, her site is one I would recommend to anyone curious about how it really gets done. Of course, both of them have busted a lot of lard in the last eight years and I’m pretty much right where I was (size wise) when I started this thing. I try not to let that get to me while I am reading the book and just focus on the fact that it can be done and that there is a pot of gold lurking out there somewhere at the end of the rainbow. I get afraid sometimes that I’ll have to be obsessed with this stuff for the rest of my life and I get tired even thinking about it. But both Shauna and Erin show that you can get a point where maintenence is just part of a regular day and that getting healthy doesn’t have to consume your every thought forever.

forward momentum

24 Jan

I just did the dishes! *plays victory music* And I didn’t even do them because I was out of silverware/plates/bowls/pots/pans! This is a small victory for me, for serious.

I am doing my best to celebrate the small things like that. Since moving to my new apartment in September, I’ve lost about 10 pounds and I’ve literally done nothing different other than walk to work and make a lot of goulash! So apparently that whole “little things add up” crap people are always spouting is true! I know, so shocking!

Don’t get me wrong, I still want to make huge changes and lose 80 pounds in three months but I am going to try this realistic outlook for awhile, see how I roll like that. I’ve added some low-impact fitness DVDs to my Netflix to put a little extra moving around on the agenda.  And I’ve found an abundance of tasty and healthy recipes for things with whole grains and veggies. The world may end.

Other than taking better care of myself, the rest of my life is moving along rather nicely. I just got a very nice raise at work, I like the new preisident a lot and my adorable hockey team is playing pretty well these days. So, really, I don’t have very much to complain about. If I can’t make positive changes now, when will I *ever* be able to do it?

Comfort Food

21 Nov

I made Macaroni and Beef (or goulash, as I prefer to call it!) (also, I highly recommend that recipe site) because I was craving comfort food and it’s ridiculously easy to make. I didn’t use whole wheat noodles or anything because I really wanted it to taste like I remembered it as a kid. I think I came pretty close. I made sure to call dad before I started to get the right tips. Maybe the dash of paprika did it.

He also said, “remember when I used to make it without the beef and serve it over bread?” I don’t think you need anymore info than that to see how I might have come to have bad food habits. Since he grew up in a household run by parents who survived the depression, he ended up with some interesting food likes that he passed on to me. Our favorite breakfast? Buttered toast dipped into tomato juice. Another bread-tomato staple that my grandfather liked to call “Depression Pizza” was basically ketchup on toast baked in the oven. And don’t get me started on the legacy of Polish food, okay?

Anyway, I am still struggling with eating and cooking at home. Not only is it important for health issues, it’s also financially necessary. Right now I am okay, but if I ever lose my contract freelance job, I’ll be in some deep water. Plus, I’d like to get some things paid off so that when my lease is up, I can afford to sign a new one here if they don’t raise the rent too much. I really love the neighborhood and walking to work!

Part of my love for the neighborhood is the Whole Foods around the corner, which sort of goes against the saving money thing. However, I’ve found that if you go in with a plan, it’s a little easier to come out with some of your paycheck left. It certainly makes it easier to dash over to get forgotten ingredients or fresh produce.

As with all things I attempt, I am struggling with my standard ALL OR NOTHING approach. Hence the goulash. It’s not exactly the whole grain-filled goodness that it should be, nor does it go beyond my love of tomatoes to encorporate any sort of leafy greens. But like I said, it’s easy to make and the ingredients are relatively inexpensive. I figure maybe if I start out as simple as possible, it will become a habit and then I can move on to healthier things later.

Obviously, I also need to look in to returning to therapy, as all the healthy food in the world isn’t going to help if I eat three helpings of it in one sitting. (Which, btw, I did not do. Even though it was very tempting!)

i <3 tomatoes

1 Jul

I was going to post a picture of the cute little heart-shaped tomato slice I had with my lunch but when I tried to capture it with my camera phone it looked like, well, a jay-jay, as The BFF would say.  So, let’s just skip that, shall we?

The point of the post still the same, however. I have a very complicated love/hate relationship with food, which should come as a surprise to no one. It’s a blissful romance filled with candlelight and warm-fuzzy feelings one day, and the next, it’s cruel and abusive and makes life very difficult.

Sometimes, it feels like food and I are a divorcing couple that’s been locked in a room together with no escape at all. Sure, we’ve had good times together and there was so much love once. But now I just hate it and I want to punish it for making me miserable, then I never want to see it again. It’s all food’s fault! I was the good one in this relationship! Food let me down! Food doesn’t make me feel good like it used to. Why can’t food do the fucking dishes for once??!?

Unfortunately, my relationship with food isn’t like your standard romantic relationship. I can’t break up with food. I can’t erase its name from my cell phone and set its emails to spam. I can’t pack up all its shit and set it out in the lawn. And while I can make a playlist full of my favorite sad songs, that really does do much for me health-wise.

No matter how mad I am at food, I still have to deal with it every day or I die. It’s that simple. So one of the hardest things for me is to think of food as simply just fuel for my body. Something that I should enjoy but not let dominate my every emotion. Usually the more frustrated I am with myself, the more frustrated I am with food, too. During these periods, I will literally eat pizza every day for a week, because it’s the only food I don’t want to toss out the window and run over with my car. It’s the only food that still gives me a little pleasure.

(Oh, wow! Pizza is my fuckbuddy, ya’ll!)

At the moment, I am trying not to hate food. I am trying to pack lunches and make dinners and plan breakfasts that are relatively healthy that I know I will enjoy.  This girl loves her some tomatoes, so it’s a good time of year to give into that love. Well, except for the recall but still! I love a freshly-sliced tomato with a little dash of salt and pepper. I like it on sandwiches and diced on salad and in salsa and pasta sauce and sauteed with some zucchini. I LOVE TOMATOES! So I am embracing them, in moderation of course. I’m embracing strawberries and raspberries and sweet corn and dark rye bread and black bean dip and guacamole. Things that I love that love me back which is what you want in a happy relationship, right?

Sure, sometimes guacamole tempts m to eat tortilla chips by the bowl full and sweet corn is a lot more carbalicious than baby spinach and, man, strawberries never pick up their dirty socks. But by allowing myself to feel good about what I eat inspires me and motivates me to find more things to eat that I love that will love me back.

(Sometimes I feel very much “fake it until I make it” about these types of posts. If you look in my archives, you can probably find a similar post espousing the same ideals. On the one hand, I feel a bit like a hypocrite because I say it and live it for awhile and then stop. On the other hand, you only fail when you give up completely, right?)