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this is pretty much me right now

3 Aug

I figured it was a good night to dust this off, since I made the healthy food blog staple known as kale chips for dinner. It’s a milestone that everyone who is trying to eat healthier should pause to commemorate. I didn’t….hate them? I mean, I like salt and olive oil, so that part was good. And they didn’t have a really strong veggie taste. So, yay for surviving that.

Anyway, I hit a rough patch about two months ago and I am just getting back around to feeling steady again. The combination of trying to cut back on therapy and dealing with my mother kind of exploded in my face. So it’s back to every week and trying to take deep breaths when dealing with the mothership. Dr. D suggested I just picture her as a cartoon character. Anything to get through it.

And the basic theme of just about every session is how I am so resistent to self care. I don’t know why I seem to dislike myself as much as I do but things aren’t going to get better until I figure out how to let that go. Just typing that out makes me sad.

So we are back to baby steps. Breakfast and lunch weren’t that healthy but dinner was. I didn’t do the dishes but I organized them neatly on the counter. And then I cleaned out the fridge a little so it will be easier to stock it with healthier things when I get around to that. Then I start all over again tomorrow. That’s as far ahead as I want to look for now.


okay, so it’s like this

3 Sep

Five months. Huh. Well, it’s not the longest I’ve gone without posting to this blog (in it’s many forms) but it’s not exactly ideal, no?

I had a bit of a spell where I ate these greasy fried (I typed fright first, ha!) boneless chicken wing things that were delivered hot and fresh to my house at least twice a week. Just typing that made my mouth water, so maybe I shouldn’t even be talking about them. Ya’ll, one time? I dipped them in chocolate.

Anyway, point is, I wasn’t really paying that much attention to taking care of myself. However, at the same time, I was walking to work every day, therefore I somehow broke even, weight wise. I’ll try not to sit here and cry over lost opportunities (I am lying!) and move on.

I’ve been eating better lately, though it’s been a severe test of wills. I’ve created a crazy (no, seriously) way of dealing with it mentally and it’s working, so I honestly don’t care if it qualifies me for a little white coat or not (plus, the book I will write about it is going to be stellar).   I even went for walk yesterday morning and I plan to do it again tomorrow. (Please tell me when the “exercising will give you more energy!” part kicks in because it really just makes me want to sleep instead of work!)

As I say every single time I try to make positive changes, I am doing my best to take it slowly and not beat myself up for misteps. It seems so very simple yet it never is. I mean, today, I couldn’t even figure out if I was full. I was eating lunch (a salad and a bowl of Amy’s Organic Cream of Tomato Soup – Light in Sodium (to which I ended up adding sodium!)) and I literally could not figure out if I was full or if, I don’t know, I had gas or something. I had food left, therefore I should eat it! Like I was mad at my stomach. I mean, this isn’t an issue when I am eating something I really want (the lunch was decent, rather be having a cheeseburger!), as I don’t fucking care if I am full, I am eating it all. Sometimes, I feel like I should just eat things I kind of don’t like to save myself the trouble. But then I get really cranky and want to kill people, so I am not sure that is the best strategy.

Basically, I am at the same place I am usually at in my cycle of crazy, but maybe with a few more tools in my arsenal to break through.

back to the future

2 Apr

I just emailed the therapist I had when I lived in Houston to see if she’d consider counseling me over email or something. She was really really awesome and I swear I considered not moving because I didn’t want to stop seeing her.  I found her using the Eating Disorder Referral and Information Center which I highly recommend. It’s comforting to know going in that the person you are seeing at least recognizes that being overweight is an eating disorder. I tried to use it to find someone here but none of the therapists listed are covered by my insurance. SHOCKING!

There is part of me that doesn’t really see any value in continuing to go therapy. I mean, I know, I know what my issues are and where they come from and what my danger zones are and how I feel about my mother/father/4th grade teacher and what to eat and what not to eat and what my trigger foods are and how my body is addicted to carbs and sugars and how if I don’t exercise I am going to die young and have full-blown diabetes and so so so many other things that you learn in therapy. I’ve been doing it since I was ten. I have so much knowledge, I feel like my brain will burst with it. It’s the doing that I have a hard time with. I can (and do) talk about my problems for HOURS and type about them for YEARS and it doesn’t do any damn good if I don’t DO DO DO something.

Of course, now I am going to go stare at my email and hope that she emails me back soon.

posting frequently – motivated – positive – me

17 Jun

One of these things is not like the others, one of these things does not belooooong!

Okay, I promised myself I wouldn’t get all negative up in this entry, even though it’s been TWO MONTHS since I have updated. Let’s just say I have been struggling and move on, shall we?

Yes, things have not been going smoothly, to say the least. There are many many issues at work here, many of which I have been dealing with for a long time. I have a hard time with delayed gratification. I generally do not feel I deserve to have nice things. I really just want a fucking iced coffee every damn morning which is not too much to ask!!!

Erm. Yes, so issues. I am resetting my goals and trying to be more positive. Going back to the basics. Baby steps. One day at a time. Blah blah blaaaah. I can even give myself a point for this rather ridiculous blog post.

But, hey, at least I still have my umbrella…ella…ella. 😉

New digs…

29 Feb

So, I am all about change. Except, not really. I mean, making like positively, life-altering changes? Not so much. But moving from Blogger to WordPress? WATCH ME, CHANGE! WOO!

I always feel like when I make a post to this (it’s been awhile), I am “officially” starting something which to me means I am on my way to messing it up. Negative self talk and I are very good friends.

I did some financial inventory the other day regarding the amount of money I spend on eating out and the number was so astronomical, I had to take stock of my priorities. And since I am going to have to make eating changes anyway to keep myself out of the poor house, I might as well try to eat better now too.

My usual MO is to make huge sweeping changes that work for a short time and then I end up giving up because I don’t have the energy to keep up the pace. I realize that’s not the best strategy but every time I sit back and look at where I am and where I want to be, it always seems like I’ve wasted so so so so soooooooooooooo much time that I want to put my foot down and just GO even though the map I have is bad and I have a quarter tank of gas and no headlights.

All I’ve really learned so far is that, no matter where you go, there you are. So the look and address may be changing, but it’s still me and my library full of issues. I want to update more. But I want to win the lottery, too, so who knows how this is going to go.

What a difference a year makes.

26 Apr

Er. Sort of.

Two years ago this month, I was having a nervous breakdown about going to a friends wedding that led me to make drastic diet changes that I stuck with for three months, got all cocky about and then promptly plummeted off the cliff of yo-yo dieting. I gained all the weight back and more. My first taste of success turned into my first taste of devastating failure.

A year ago today I was sitting in my car, eating cake with my hands. That was my 457th taste of desperation.

I haven’t done that since, however, so score one for the home team! And I weigh a whopping 5 pounds less than I did on that day. Man, typing that out makes me want to cry! It wasn’t a wasted year in terms of a lot of things but I always have a hard time dealing with the numbers game.

Anyway, I found a great therapist and she is great and it was great except then I changed jobs and my mental health benefits went from awesome to WHY DO YOU HATE ME GOD! In fact, they’ve changed so drastically that I can only afford to see her once a month instead of the once a week I was enjoying.

That’s part of the reason I thought maybe I would start updating this a little bit more. I am going to miss being able to talk to her once a week, dammit. But if I get started about the state of mental health in this country and how insurance companies are dealing with it, I might break my keyboard or something.

Moving on!

I recently challenged myself to go two weeks without going out to eat, except for a planned outing I had. Because not only am I fat, I am also broke. So I figured stopping the going out to eat all the time would have a positive effect on my two biggest problems. I assumed that, like every other challenge I have ever given myself (for the most part), I would fail. I was WRONG! Yay for small victories. Right? RIGHT?

Right. Not only was it successful in terms of setting a goal and meeting it, it also jump started my “eat better, dammit” plan. I confess I am lazy and cooking at home can be daunting if I am not in the mood. Therefore, I have forced myself to be in the mood and it is pretty much working. I’ve also decided that, as much as I would love to eat fresh organic produce all the time, I can neither afford it or realistically gear up the energy to eat it all the time. Sometimes, *whispers* I have a frozen meal for lunch!

If you’ve read this blog at all (hello? helloooo?), then you probably know I am an all or nothing type of gal. In every. Facet. Of. My. Life. This causes problems constantly, so I am working hard to relax and just go with the flow. Eat well in this minute, hour, day, whatever. And make the best realistic choices for my health and well being.

Tomorrow it will be three weeks since I started my two weeks plan and I’ve only gone out to eat twice since the “ban” was lifted. Once, to Wendy’s because I wanted a cheeseburger and fries, dammit. And once with my boss, he paid, and I had a tasty salad.

Right now, I am sitting at my work desk, sipping on some water and trying not to get too obsessive about anything. Obsessing about not obsessing. It’s a gift I have, I guess.


12 Dec

Yeah, still not dead. I haven’t been focusing on my weight at all these last few months. Part of it is that I was expending so much energy trying not to be depressed, it just wasn’t possible to even think about anything else. And another part is that it frightens me to think about trying again and failing again like I did over this last year.

So, I am not going to be trying to do anything. No, I am not giving up. But I think I’ve learned that food plans and calorie counting and all that other stuff doesn’t work for me. I get too caught up in where I want to be and not where I am. Then I get overwhelmed by the gap between the two. Once I start dwelling on that, it’s all over.

I’ve talked with my therapist and we’ve agreed that it would be better for me to focus on eating because I want to be healthier, because my body needs good fuel, because I deserve those things. When I think about it, it seems like a scarily slow process and I really just want to get back on the South Beach and lose 30lbs in 2 months. But I can’t live like that forever.

If I went back over this blog, which will be “celebrating” its five year anniversary next month, and counted the number of revelations, of light-bulb moments, of “this time it will be different” declarations, it would probably be pretty sad and it would make me, and you (if anyone is still reading this), question whether or not this time is any different. I honestly can’t answer that question. I am tired of making promises to myself that I don’t keep. So I am not promising anything. I’m just here, trying to love who I am and take better care of myself as an expression of that love. Wouldn’t Oprah be proud? Heh.

I will say that today has been a good day. I had a nice granola bar for breakfast, some fruit and cheese for a snack and then an awesome Kashi® All Natural Entrée for lunch. I highly recommend the Lemon Rosemary Chicken. YUM! And tonight, I have a super-special spa appointment planned. Because I’m worth it! *Heather Locklear hair-toss*