breakfast for dinner

13 May

Since I had a big cheesy spicy chicken burrito for lunch, I really wasn’t in the mood for leftover Indian food. I was craving something sweet and filling. I had an apple and some quinoa, and with a little help from Google, I figured it out nicely.

I ended up making Apple & Cinnamon Quinoa from Green Lite Bites (cherry juice instead of lemon and brown sugar instead of honey ’cause I gotta work with what I got!) with a little chunk of Irish cheddar and a cup of Lady Grey tea. Normally I am not a breakfast for dinner kind of girl unless it involves eggs and bacon, but this was pretty much exactly what I was looking for.

As I am writing this, I am thinking to myself, “you should wait a few hours to consider it a success because you are probably going to get really hungry and eat something as a late night snack!”

Oh, my brain! I am not going to listen. I am going to enjoy the afterglow of a nutritious and delicious meal and give myself bonus gold stars for doing some of the dishes while I waited for it to cook. GO ME!

ETA: Also? I did not turn the TV on while I ate. I put on some mellow music and tried to just focus on enjoying my meal. I wasn’t quite able to cut the cord to the laptop but baby steps!


ghost of christmas future

12 May

The last two weeks were quite spectacularly shitty. Then my mom came to visit. I have not been committed to a mental institution, so I feel like it’s win!

To recap:

Week One
– The BFF’s dog dies on a Tuesday
– The Washington Captials are eliminated from the playoffs on a Wednesday
– I lock myself out of my Gmail on a Thursday and almost have a nervous breakdown

Week Two
– Mom comes to visit on a Thursday
– Decides she wants to go to the Holocaust museum on Saturday
– Tells lies about not forcing me to go to church and is generally weird and critical on a Monday

Yeah, so, seriously. Gold stars all around for not losing my mind. I thought that when I went to see my therapist this week, I would be crying and blubbering all over the place but I really was not. I mean, yes, my mother drives me crazy. And she gets more negative and critical every time I see her. But I have learned by now how to put up the walls I need to protect myself from her bullshit. They only cracked a little during the time she was here and mostly because I expended all my mental energy crying at the Holocaust museum!

The hardest part for me is that when I am with my mom, I look at her and think, “if you don’t do something to change, that will be you in thirty years!” I feel a little guilty about thinking such a thing about my own mother but it’s just the truth. She’s 64 years old and overweight and married to a man she doesn’t even really like and is pretty much the most miserable person I know. I do not want to end up like that ever. As sad as that is, it is something I really need because I am horrible about delayed gratification, on top of the fact that I am very bad at caring about and taking care of myself. It is sobering to be confronted with the consequences of that in a walking talking person.

Needless to say, I am pretty motivated by that and the fact that I survived some pretty horrible weeks in a row without crumbling!

In other news, I have been avoiding focusing food on any sort of concentrated effort (in the past, I have focused on food and not the emotional stuff first and obviously, it has not work, so I’m switching it up!), except gathering some recipes. Lots of good Indian recipes in there. I have found that I enjoy just about all the spices in Indian food and can eat many more vegetables I would not normally touch if they are cooked in some curry.

Anyway, while I have not been super vigilant, I have been trying to make small changes. I bought some bagels and cream cheese to take to work instead of going to McD’s in the morning. Would an apple and some yogurt or whatever be better? Yes. But still. It’s a step. And it’s cheaper, which I really need to work on. I spend so much going out to eat, it is unreal.

At this point, I am basically on the Eat Whatever You Want As Long As You Make It At Home plan. Even if I am eating the kinds of stuff I eat out, it is still healthier and cheaper to make it at home. And if I actually make the food from scratch, even better! I am also trying to stop drinking soda at home, even Diet Coke. I am trying some various iced teas and such to come up with something other than water. I don’t mind drinking water but I prefer something with a little flavor with my meals.

So tonight, even though I was very very tired, I went to Whole Paycheck on my way home and picked up some fruit, some Amy’s Organic meals and other various things that came to approximately eleventy billion dollars! (Okay, $85!)

First up, I was inspired by HEAB’s cherry limeade-ish drink made with sparkling water with lime and cherry juice:

A cup and half of Poland Springs Sparkling Water with Lime and 1/4 cup of organic cherry juice. It was..interesting? I did not hate it but I wanted it to be sweeter! I might try some of that Skinny Cherry that HEAB mentioned. The Stevia would give it a bit more sweetness without sugar. Or I guess I could just train myself to like it less sweet? We shall see.

For dinner, I decided to try to new Indian dishes:

Trader Joe’s Pav Bhaji (gluten free, if you care about such things) and Jyoti Jaipur Karhi over some white balsamit rice. It was very spicy and tasty! The Pave Bhaji is tomatoes, cauliflower, beans and potatoes and the jaipur is potato dumplings in a butter milk sauce. So I got some good veggies in there, though I went way crazy on the starch. Next time, I will probably not pair those things together and perhaps make some chicken or something. And, well, whole wheat couscous as soon as I go through the rest of the white rice. ­čśÇ

I have to say that I have been VERY impressed with the Trader Joe’s Indian fare thus far. It’s amazing how they can make them with all natural ingredients but able to live in my cupboard! Yes, they are a bit high in sodium but still. I really have a hard time getting motivated to cook, so a tasty veggie-filled stew I can make in two minutes is pretty damn impressive! And if I am feeling adventurous, I could probably add some lentils or chickpeas to it and have it be a whole meal. I will have to stock up on those next time I go.

Wow. This got really long! That’s what happens when I don’t post in forever!


2 May

Here are some random things I’d like to accomplish in no particular time frame:

– Make my own chicken/veggie stock
– Wear sassy belts
– Take a yoga class
– Get an alarm clock that does not lose time
– Send back the Netflix that’s been sitting next to the TV for months
– Squirrel money away for regular pedicures

I am still alive, in case you’ve been checking back here to make sure. Therapy is going well, I think. I am desperately trying not to get frustrated by the amount of work I feel I need to do. I remind myself daily that I am dealing with 30+ years of habit making so it will take time to turn it around. And I am doing my best to not give up entirely when frustrated.

This week was particularly bad for a number of external reason and then my mother is coming to visit next week. And, oh, did I mention my therapist is out of town during our regular Monday appointment? I will survive it!

I suppose I should add survive the week to my to-do list, eh?

inner child knows what?

1 Mar

When I got home from work today, I organized my dirty dishes into piles, and for this I will give myself a gold star.

I want to organize the dishes so I can make it easier on myself to do them later. Because I want to have a clean kitchen so that I can cook for myself more often.

I am struggling mighty with that idea. I want to call myself lazy and stupid and silly, because doing the dishes is just not something I do.

However, there are two things at play here:

1. I do not know how to give myself credit for anything. Credit or empathy or kindness. If I haven’t moved a mountain, I haven’t done shit. I haven’t quite figured out where that came from but I do know it’s ingrained in my brain and if anyone thinks that getting over 30+ years of that is going to be easy, they are very mistaken.

2. I never learned how to be tidy. No, seriously. I have no memory of my mother instructing me on how to do anything related to that. My childhood memories are filled with being yelled at because my room was messy, but never any moments of being taught how to keep that from happening. I have no memory of doing the dishes when I lived with my mother and can only remember arguing about me not doing them when I eventually moved in with my dad. I WAS NEVER TAUGHT THESE THING! Or there are so many other horrible memories around being taught them, that I cannot access them.

I am inclined to berate myself for having a messy kitchen and a messy apartment in general. But I want to get over that. Because, embarrassing as it is, I am still a child when it comes to basic living knowledge. Just typing that makes me want to crawl under the couch! But it is essentially true.

This is not a treatise on the state of my parenting. It’s just a fact. And until I accept it and attempt to teach myself, without judgment, that this is the case, I am never going to change.

This feels like lame excuses for me but I recognize that is my negative self talk so I am just going to keep telling myself over and over again that it’s okay until maybe one day I believe it.

And have a clean kitchen.

Right now

17 Feb

Right now, I have tried to make this entry like 3 times. It’s not writer’s block that has stopped me. I just keep clicking on links on the Dashboard because I haven’t been to this page in, oh, five months and apparently have the attention span of a gnat. But I am not giving up, dammit!

I came here to write about the fact that after a very frustrating work meeting, I really just want to go out for lunch and stuff my face. Attempts to avoid that include listening to some music and looking at pictures of kittens. Do I even need to say that is not working?

Right now, I don’t know if I have enough energy to avoid a binge AND make it through the rest of the day without biting someone’s head off. This is not a Rock V Hard Place scenario that I enjoy. NOT ENOUGH SPOONS!

There’s other stuff I would like to share, like the face that I’ve found a psychiatrist that I think I like who gave me good (and expensive) drugs and took lots of my money to help me get better and will do so again soon. But mostly I wanted to get that stupid binge feeling out into the universe to maybe make it a little easier to deal with. Or at least give myself credit for recognizing it and accepting that it is happening.

I don’t really feel like it’s quite a gold star moment but I’ll take what I can get.

one of these things is not like the others

14 Sep

I am not feeling very wordy so how about we just take a look at what I’ve been eating the last few days (pardon the crappy cell phone pics!):


I think #1 needs no introduction. Basically, I did not plan carefully on Friday and a lack of breakfast (and coffee) left me very very vulnerable (hunger-wise and emotionally) at the end of the day. I ate McDonald’s. A lot of McDonald’s.

But I got up the next day and had a good breakfast, a decent lunch and #2 for dinner. What you see there is some tasty Five Star Foodies artichoke burgers (which they were out of when I went to Whole Foods yesterday! Boo!), grape tomatoes and, last but certainly not least, the magic golden-crusted Brussels sprouts that I am kind of addicted to for real.

#3 is my first attempt at huevos rancheros . Not very pretty but definitely tasty. And #4 is the chicken tacos I had for lunch using this recipe for slow-cooker chili chicken. (Which, btw, made a ton of chicken, so I think I’ll be having more tacos later in the week and maybe tortilla soup and possibly some enchiladas!)

I am not going to beat myself up, as 3 out of 4 isn’t bad. The poor planning lesson is one I have learned before. A few thousand times. But I picked myself up and dusted myself off and had a pretty good food weekend, all things considered. Plus, I think I’ve planned pretty well for this week, too. So I guess we’ll just see how that goes.

Miso Crazy and DNW!

9 Sep

I did not want to make a post tonight. I still do not! But  I am doing it!

I DNW to cook dinner. I wanted to come home, sit on my ass watching some Supernatural and just stuff my face with whatever and not have to stand in the kitchen cooking up a bunch of healthy shit. Or cooking up additional shit for lunch tomorrow and Friday. But I fucking did it. (OMG SO MANY DISHES TO WASH! DNW!)

And now I am so very tired. I feel like I have to push myself SO HARD to do these simple, everyday things and stay SO FOCUSED (I typed FUCKED first, ha!) on it that I am drained for just about everything else. I know, I know that it gets easier, but right now, I just want to eat a whole pizza and sleep for a week.

There is a little voice inside of me, that troll I mentioned before, that is telling me that it’s just easier to be fat and unhealthy. I mean, it’s only really painful when I leave the house and people stare at me funny. Or I have to go shopping. Or walk up a flight of stairs. Or think about going on a date ever. And I still have to deal with that stuff even if I am eating better right now! I can’t even stuff my face to deal with that shit! How unfair is that? DNW!

Now, that I have the whining out of the way, let’s talk good stuff! *deeeeep cleansing breath*

Yesterday, I made this miso soup recipe from 101 Cookbooks and it was very very tasty. And then, as part of my continuing effort to incorporate veggies using the magical broccoli slaw, I wipped up a version of this miso dressing except I used wasabi paste instead of mustard and it was also very very tasty. I poured half of it over half a bag of the broccoli slaw and added about 1/3 a cup of mandarin oranges and let if marinate overnight. Then I had it along side the leftover miso soup for lunch. SO GOOD! And now I have enough of that amazing dressing for a spinach and chicken salad tomorrow for lunch. To round out this miso crazy portion of my week, I also made this cashew ricotta “Italian pizza cheese” (I substituted some leftover sun-dried tomato pesto) to have with carrots for a snack tomorrow.

Phew. I am tired just typing that and I haven’t even gotten to the most interesting part of the day:


I know! I KNOW! So crazy. Once again, 101 Cookbooks came to the rescue with her AMAZING golden-crusted brussels sprouts! I have been staring at that recipe for, like, a year. It sounded so simple and tasty. I finally got up enough nerve to try it out and I have to say that, yes, it as good as it looks! I used the aforementioned pesto to make one of these baked stuffed chicken breasts and they went very well together. And no pasta or rice as a side dish! I can honestly say that I am sitting here quite satisfied in my stomach.

I will confess that yesterday I baked up this spinach/herbed goat cheese/ham/egg beaters casserole that I had planned to eat for breakfast for the rest of the week and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. For some reason, breakfast is the hardest part of my day. It doesn’t help that no matter how I walk to work, I pass eleventy billion places to get breakfast. But I don’t trust myself to have things like bagels or bread for toast in the house right now. And, god, my coffee maker is NEVER going to get here. I’ve basically been telling myself that it’s not a big deal since I am not eating out any other meals but eventually I am going to have to deal with the mornings. (Also, I went to bed early last night so I could get up and do some exercising but that didn’t turn out either!)

Basically, I think the point of all this is that I am still struggling to find a balance between taking care of myself and being realistic about what I can accomplish and also figuring out when I am being a lazy wimp and when I should push myself to go that little bit extra when I am really feeling the DNW.